Ok. So after the recent events of the weekend past, I have decided that I am no longer going to drink while I am up here. I literally dont care if I dont have a life anymore. As I have said many times before, the white people here are a bunch of bastards. Never in my life have a come across such a densely populated area of c**nts. Its like, if you dont fit in, in the real world, come out here because your will fit in with the other bastards out here, you can all live together in harmony.
And when I tend to drink here, I somehow, stir all these bastards up. In my normal day to day, I dont even come across them. But the second I am drinking I get myself into grief.
So as you can tell by the story so far, yes I was drinking. I had decided that I wouldnt drink too much because I am sick of being hungover the next day. So I only drank about 20 beers. Sad. And I was sick. I ended up at a mates place, which turned out to be further out of turn than I expected. I walked through the community in the middle of the night, with no protection, so god knows what I was thinking. When I woke up the next day I had no way of getting home and my house was about 2km away. I was basically in the bush. So I decided to walk to shop closest in hope that I would see someone there that I knew. I was still pretty hammered so it was quite a joyous walk i suppose. I also had no battery on my mobile so I couldnt even call anyone. I got to the shop. Thank god for a couple of boys being there that I knew, and dropped me home. There is absolutley no way I would have made it back through the community without getting attacked by dogs. I cant believe I even contemplated it.
As the day progressed, my drunkeness turned into hungoverness and I was deathly ill - again. And in a whole world of trouble with a bunch of the white people. So with only 39 days till I leave this shit hole, I have decided no more drinking. I will still make use of my permit, I just will be making a profit from now on I think. And to back up my statement from the other day. I think my adventure is definately over here. I am ready to go home, but maybe not to stay. I think the travel bug might have bitten me and I will just travel around for the next few years. I have also started my dread locks which seems to me as a sign that Im not ready to be apart of the real world again, not just yet. Who could know where I end up!
Sunday 30 October 2011
Friday 28 October 2011
Over the Hump.
Ok so I am past the halfway point. I get to go home in six weeks. Things seem to all be going down hill. And by that I mean they are going really quickly. To the point where some of the days are just a blur. I find this to be a good thing. More so than ever do I want to be home. I have pretty much decided that I am not coming back after Christmas. I have my flights booked to come back but I dont think I will. However I am not making anything certain, Im just calling it as I see it.
So things going quickly has put me in quite a good mood lately, nothing has been able to shift it either until today. I had plans to go into Darwin this weekend. It is possibly one of the last weekends that we will be able to drive out of here before the wet cuts the road off, and I was very keen to get my drink on and let off a bit of steam. This all fell through. And because it is so close to the road being cut by the wet, no one else in town is very game to drive it. So here I am stuck. For another boring weekend. It is also grog handout weekend and I am trying to avoid drinking here because of the embarassing amounts that I tend to end up consuming. So as much as I dont want it to, I'm sure my carton of beer will disappear very quickly tomorrow.
I think another reason that contributed to my bad mood/homesickness was something a friend called me today. He called me Lois. Which is what my boys call me back home as a nickname. Now my friend here had totally no idea of this, but when he said it I spun around so fast I swear my head nearly came off. It was like an instant flash back. As I spun around, I was home. It was like slow motion. I even saw my house. And my brain just expected to see my mate behind me. It was epic. But I spun around only to find that I was still here. But it was sweet knowing that my mate up here was just making a joke to cheer me up.
I am truely believing that my adventure here has finished. I have seen what I wanted to, and am just ready to go home. It just the count down now.
Hopefully the next few weeks will fly by.
So things going quickly has put me in quite a good mood lately, nothing has been able to shift it either until today. I had plans to go into Darwin this weekend. It is possibly one of the last weekends that we will be able to drive out of here before the wet cuts the road off, and I was very keen to get my drink on and let off a bit of steam. This all fell through. And because it is so close to the road being cut by the wet, no one else in town is very game to drive it. So here I am stuck. For another boring weekend. It is also grog handout weekend and I am trying to avoid drinking here because of the embarassing amounts that I tend to end up consuming. So as much as I dont want it to, I'm sure my carton of beer will disappear very quickly tomorrow.
I think another reason that contributed to my bad mood/homesickness was something a friend called me today. He called me Lois. Which is what my boys call me back home as a nickname. Now my friend here had totally no idea of this, but when he said it I spun around so fast I swear my head nearly came off. It was like an instant flash back. As I spun around, I was home. It was like slow motion. I even saw my house. And my brain just expected to see my mate behind me. It was epic. But I spun around only to find that I was still here. But it was sweet knowing that my mate up here was just making a joke to cheer me up.
I am truely believing that my adventure here has finished. I have seen what I wanted to, and am just ready to go home. It just the count down now.
Hopefully the next few weeks will fly by.
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Grog Hand Out Weekend.
So the weekend just passed was our grog hand out weekend. As I have said previously there is limited amount of alochol that you can LEGALLY obtain here. So this weekend I had 6 bottles of wine come into my possesion. The next grog hand out day is in 2 weeks. So whatever you get on the handout day is to last you for two weeks.
It was actually quite sad how excited I was to get intoxicated. The feeling I wanted the most was for my judgement to slip a little. Just to let everything go and blow off a little steam. I think that is the hardest thing I find here is that it is hard to find an outlet for any stress. I can see why alcohol is limited here because I know exactly how I would be if I could drink as much as I wanted.
Continuning on, I finished work at 12 Saturday. I had to occupy myself for 4 hours before my neighbourhood drinks started. Which was hard. Because I was WAY too keen. I hadnt had much to drink for the last probably four weeks. So my waiting for the afternoon didnt really happen. I started to drink at about one around at a workmates place. I left there, and then went to my neighbour's drinks. I continued to drink. I then decided to walk around to my mate's place and continue to drink. Along the way some of the community dogs ran out to attack me. But I have learnt if you ignore them, they totally dont care. Dont get me wrong, they still attack. But I find if I just ignore them and keep walking, they stop caring. So anyways. I continued on and had some drinks with my mates and then decided to stroll home in the dark. It can be a little dangerous walking here at night. Not only because of the dogs but because of the people as well. Especially on grog hand out night.
If I can paint a picture...
When people here get their grog every second saturday, and I am talking both black and white people, it is often consumed by the end of that day. It is a sure thing that there will be big fights between the Indigenous. Since I have been here (approx 4-5 handouts), people have hanged themselves, a guy was stabbed in the neck and a Somalian guy was running around the community completely naked while pleasuring himself, over and over again. This is the busiest night of all for the police here. Gambling and child molestation are rife, drink driving, and fights. So walking home on grog hand out night is not the best idea of all.
I walked home anyway. Dogs came out at me but by this stage I was way to drunk to care. I didnt remember til the next morning that I had seen some Indigenous folks on my walk and I actually stopped to talk to them for a bit. Its quite cool that whenever I get about the community I cant get around without seeing someone that I know. I kinda like that. And they love it when you remember their name and have a chat to them. So it quite made my night.
When I got back into my street I realised that my new neighbour was still up watching the soccer, so I just invited myself over to continue drinking, obviously not too keen to end the party. Which was a bad choice. I was pretty shattered by this stage, about 3 1/2 bottles down. I ended up falling asleep on his couch and he woke me up to go home. I dont remember getting in the house so who knows how that happend.
But in all, I enjoy the amount of people that I know here. Its nice to get around and see people you know all the time. I liken it to being on school camp or something like that. Which is kinda cool.
Since the weekend I have decided that I am not going to drink anymore. I have decided to put my alcohol acquisition to a better use - funding my trip home. This may sound bad, but there is money to be made here and I have decided to take the opportunity to make it.
Over the weekend I discovered the reason for having skin names. It is so families dont interbreed, this is the same reason for fathers not talking to their daughter-inlaws etc (which is known as poison cousins). Its very interesting because this practice has been within their culture since the begining of time, whereas other cultures have many stories about interbreeding. Its very interesting the stuff that you learn when speak with the locals. I have also discovered the reason why they have so many dogs. However the reason for this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard, so I am deciding not to share it here.
One of the girls that I work with and am quite close with, tells me today that her cousin is pregnant at 11. She is also married to a fellow around the same age. This is not uncommon. In fact their family is proud that she is bringing a baby into the world. They criticise my friend because she hasnt had children at 20. Its crazy. I tell them that I dont plan to have kids til Im 30 and they think Im crazy.
I was speaking to one of the other ladies I work with and she has the same skin name as my mother. Which means she is my mother. So basically she has to look after me if anything should happen to my mother. Her family is mine. Its pretty awesome knowing that you have a huge family. Even if you dont know them.
So I am at a cross roads. I go home, back to the real world, on the 9th of December. I go there for a month and travel the East Coast and swim in the ocean - which is long over due. The thing is that I am not sure if I want to come back. The thing with this place is that it can be the most amazing place in the world, and at then the next day it can be the worst. I love the experiences that I have had and am open to having just because I am here. There are things that are normal here that you cant get anywhere else. But in saying that, I miss my home dearly. I feel a strong pull to it and that I should be there as soon as possible. I am just worried that if and when I stop my adventure, I may not get it back ever again. On the same line, my mum has had enough of it up here, there is a chance that she will just up and leave over the break as well and I wont have anywhere to come back to. So it is a little up in the air at the moment.
But I will still do my best to have as many and as most awesome experiences as possible! Until at such time I board the plane to leave.
As they say, Theres nothing sweeter than Maningrida.
It was actually quite sad how excited I was to get intoxicated. The feeling I wanted the most was for my judgement to slip a little. Just to let everything go and blow off a little steam. I think that is the hardest thing I find here is that it is hard to find an outlet for any stress. I can see why alcohol is limited here because I know exactly how I would be if I could drink as much as I wanted.
Continuning on, I finished work at 12 Saturday. I had to occupy myself for 4 hours before my neighbourhood drinks started. Which was hard. Because I was WAY too keen. I hadnt had much to drink for the last probably four weeks. So my waiting for the afternoon didnt really happen. I started to drink at about one around at a workmates place. I left there, and then went to my neighbour's drinks. I continued to drink. I then decided to walk around to my mate's place and continue to drink. Along the way some of the community dogs ran out to attack me. But I have learnt if you ignore them, they totally dont care. Dont get me wrong, they still attack. But I find if I just ignore them and keep walking, they stop caring. So anyways. I continued on and had some drinks with my mates and then decided to stroll home in the dark. It can be a little dangerous walking here at night. Not only because of the dogs but because of the people as well. Especially on grog hand out night.
If I can paint a picture...
When people here get their grog every second saturday, and I am talking both black and white people, it is often consumed by the end of that day. It is a sure thing that there will be big fights between the Indigenous. Since I have been here (approx 4-5 handouts), people have hanged themselves, a guy was stabbed in the neck and a Somalian guy was running around the community completely naked while pleasuring himself, over and over again. This is the busiest night of all for the police here. Gambling and child molestation are rife, drink driving, and fights. So walking home on grog hand out night is not the best idea of all.
I walked home anyway. Dogs came out at me but by this stage I was way to drunk to care. I didnt remember til the next morning that I had seen some Indigenous folks on my walk and I actually stopped to talk to them for a bit. Its quite cool that whenever I get about the community I cant get around without seeing someone that I know. I kinda like that. And they love it when you remember their name and have a chat to them. So it quite made my night.
When I got back into my street I realised that my new neighbour was still up watching the soccer, so I just invited myself over to continue drinking, obviously not too keen to end the party. Which was a bad choice. I was pretty shattered by this stage, about 3 1/2 bottles down. I ended up falling asleep on his couch and he woke me up to go home. I dont remember getting in the house so who knows how that happend.
But in all, I enjoy the amount of people that I know here. Its nice to get around and see people you know all the time. I liken it to being on school camp or something like that. Which is kinda cool.
Since the weekend I have decided that I am not going to drink anymore. I have decided to put my alcohol acquisition to a better use - funding my trip home. This may sound bad, but there is money to be made here and I have decided to take the opportunity to make it.
Over the weekend I discovered the reason for having skin names. It is so families dont interbreed, this is the same reason for fathers not talking to their daughter-inlaws etc (which is known as poison cousins). Its very interesting because this practice has been within their culture since the begining of time, whereas other cultures have many stories about interbreeding. Its very interesting the stuff that you learn when speak with the locals. I have also discovered the reason why they have so many dogs. However the reason for this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard, so I am deciding not to share it here.
One of the girls that I work with and am quite close with, tells me today that her cousin is pregnant at 11. She is also married to a fellow around the same age. This is not uncommon. In fact their family is proud that she is bringing a baby into the world. They criticise my friend because she hasnt had children at 20. Its crazy. I tell them that I dont plan to have kids til Im 30 and they think Im crazy.
I was speaking to one of the other ladies I work with and she has the same skin name as my mother. Which means she is my mother. So basically she has to look after me if anything should happen to my mother. Her family is mine. Its pretty awesome knowing that you have a huge family. Even if you dont know them.
So I am at a cross roads. I go home, back to the real world, on the 9th of December. I go there for a month and travel the East Coast and swim in the ocean - which is long over due. The thing is that I am not sure if I want to come back. The thing with this place is that it can be the most amazing place in the world, and at then the next day it can be the worst. I love the experiences that I have had and am open to having just because I am here. There are things that are normal here that you cant get anywhere else. But in saying that, I miss my home dearly. I feel a strong pull to it and that I should be there as soon as possible. I am just worried that if and when I stop my adventure, I may not get it back ever again. On the same line, my mum has had enough of it up here, there is a chance that she will just up and leave over the break as well and I wont have anywhere to come back to. So it is a little up in the air at the moment.
But I will still do my best to have as many and as most awesome experiences as possible! Until at such time I board the plane to leave.
As they say, Theres nothing sweeter than Maningrida.
Wednesday 12 October 2011
Totem.
A while ago when I first met my Indigenous friend Shirley she told me about Totems. I just forgot to write about it.
Basically what she told me is that every person that is born will have at Totem. For example her Totem was the Kangaroo, and a certain type of tree. The tree because it is common in her people's country. There are so many different tribes and differnt countries that they come from. There are so many differnt languages as well. In my community alone ( approx 3500 people) there are 14 different languages.
However, back to the Totem. The concept of a Totem is that it was present either when you were born or your mother was pregnant with you. She told me of one of her children who has a birth mark on their knee. She told me the story that when she was pregnant her husband threw a rock at a Goanna and hurt its knee. She asked if I had any birthmarks. Now I have a couple of light brown patches, but my real visible one is the one on my eye. It is a red spot on my bottom eyelid. Sometimes its barely visible but sometimes its sticks out like crazy. Her explanation for this is that maybe when my mum was pregnant she caught a fish and hooked it through the eye. She couldnt believe however that I didnt have a Totem. Some people will not eat their Totem, because they believe that they are eating their own. It amazing the culture that they have. I nearly wrote just then "and respect they have for the land" but I deleted it. It is the saddest thing because you can see their culture just slipping away through their fingers. They leave garbage everywhere. They do drugs and drink. All these things that should never have interupted their culture. I watched our local team play AFL the other day. ALL of the men here are incredibly athlete. It is just in their blood.
When they eat ANYTHING they eat it to entirety. Its amazing. I watch my friend eat fried chicken (his absolute favourite that he eats with pancakes) and he eats the whole thing. The only thing left is the bone. No grissle, no skin, no tendon. And it is the same with anything that they hunt, they will eat the meat, what they dont eat goes to the dog, the bone will be kept and painted and sold to the art centre, and real good ones will use the sinue and make spears with it.
But with this you can see the impact of the white man more than ever. Something they would have been fine without. They do not do anything. They dont work because the government pays them anyway. They dont buy houses because government provides them for no cost. They have become lazy. Just smoke and drink coke. Its quite sad really. Its even sadder, when watching the boys play AFL the other day, I realised quite a few of them would be good enough to play pro, but the honest truth is that there is no way they would be able to live in the real world. Here they live in a 3 bedroom house with about 15 other family members. They wear the same clothes for days on end. They spit ANYWHERE. They dont have driver's licences or 18+ cards. Most families dont even have cars, or beds.
Apologies for getting off track. Getting back to the Totem conversation, while me and Shirley were talking, we discovered we are from the same family. Her daughters have the same skin name as me. I am not sure but I think that means they are my sisters. I didnt think it was so important, but it determines everything. If I was to, I cannot marry someone with the same skin name. Another friend of mine here, I cant remember what his skin name is but apparently we are eligible to marry. It was a little confronting hearing that. Not that there was anything in it. Interesting.
Today, Shirley's sister was telling me about marriage. There are a few people in the community that have numbers of wives. They all live together in the same house. She told me of a guy she knew had 11 wives! When one would fall pregnant he would move onto the next one. To them its everyday life, to us its completely unheard of.
Their family setup is pretty strange as well. Certain members arent allowed to associate with others. For example fathers arent allowed to associate with daughter-inlaws and mothers arent allowed to associate with son-inlaws. I see it everyday. One of the girls will come get me to serve someone because they arent allowed to. And they stick by it. If they are seen associating I think there can be consequences. To what extent I am not too sure. Its quite difficult to learn new information, sometimes if they dont know you very well they dont feel comfortable talking about their culture and their laws. I feel pretty excited about the stuff I have achieved considering I have only been here a short time.
I would also like to mention, that everything that I write about, and everything I have learnt is only relevant to this part of the country. The tribes anywhere else can be completely different to everything that I have ever written here.
Basically what she told me is that every person that is born will have at Totem. For example her Totem was the Kangaroo, and a certain type of tree. The tree because it is common in her people's country. There are so many different tribes and differnt countries that they come from. There are so many differnt languages as well. In my community alone ( approx 3500 people) there are 14 different languages.
However, back to the Totem. The concept of a Totem is that it was present either when you were born or your mother was pregnant with you. She told me of one of her children who has a birth mark on their knee. She told me the story that when she was pregnant her husband threw a rock at a Goanna and hurt its knee. She asked if I had any birthmarks. Now I have a couple of light brown patches, but my real visible one is the one on my eye. It is a red spot on my bottom eyelid. Sometimes its barely visible but sometimes its sticks out like crazy. Her explanation for this is that maybe when my mum was pregnant she caught a fish and hooked it through the eye. She couldnt believe however that I didnt have a Totem. Some people will not eat their Totem, because they believe that they are eating their own. It amazing the culture that they have. I nearly wrote just then "and respect they have for the land" but I deleted it. It is the saddest thing because you can see their culture just slipping away through their fingers. They leave garbage everywhere. They do drugs and drink. All these things that should never have interupted their culture. I watched our local team play AFL the other day. ALL of the men here are incredibly athlete. It is just in their blood.
When they eat ANYTHING they eat it to entirety. Its amazing. I watch my friend eat fried chicken (his absolute favourite that he eats with pancakes) and he eats the whole thing. The only thing left is the bone. No grissle, no skin, no tendon. And it is the same with anything that they hunt, they will eat the meat, what they dont eat goes to the dog, the bone will be kept and painted and sold to the art centre, and real good ones will use the sinue and make spears with it.
But with this you can see the impact of the white man more than ever. Something they would have been fine without. They do not do anything. They dont work because the government pays them anyway. They dont buy houses because government provides them for no cost. They have become lazy. Just smoke and drink coke. Its quite sad really. Its even sadder, when watching the boys play AFL the other day, I realised quite a few of them would be good enough to play pro, but the honest truth is that there is no way they would be able to live in the real world. Here they live in a 3 bedroom house with about 15 other family members. They wear the same clothes for days on end. They spit ANYWHERE. They dont have driver's licences or 18+ cards. Most families dont even have cars, or beds.
Apologies for getting off track. Getting back to the Totem conversation, while me and Shirley were talking, we discovered we are from the same family. Her daughters have the same skin name as me. I am not sure but I think that means they are my sisters. I didnt think it was so important, but it determines everything. If I was to, I cannot marry someone with the same skin name. Another friend of mine here, I cant remember what his skin name is but apparently we are eligible to marry. It was a little confronting hearing that. Not that there was anything in it. Interesting.
Today, Shirley's sister was telling me about marriage. There are a few people in the community that have numbers of wives. They all live together in the same house. She told me of a guy she knew had 11 wives! When one would fall pregnant he would move onto the next one. To them its everyday life, to us its completely unheard of.
Their family setup is pretty strange as well. Certain members arent allowed to associate with others. For example fathers arent allowed to associate with daughter-inlaws and mothers arent allowed to associate with son-inlaws. I see it everyday. One of the girls will come get me to serve someone because they arent allowed to. And they stick by it. If they are seen associating I think there can be consequences. To what extent I am not too sure. Its quite difficult to learn new information, sometimes if they dont know you very well they dont feel comfortable talking about their culture and their laws. I feel pretty excited about the stuff I have achieved considering I have only been here a short time.
I would also like to mention, that everything that I write about, and everything I have learnt is only relevant to this part of the country. The tribes anywhere else can be completely different to everything that I have ever written here.
Stupid Wednesday
So I have come to the conclusion that Wednesdays are crap. Looking back at alot of my posts, and thinking of days that I wanted to post on, they have often been Wednesdays. I am seeing a pattern, and I have been unabe to conclude why, but I am generally depressed on Wednesdays. I dont know if it is because people are over it by Wednesday and their mood contributes to it or what. I was feeling fine today. I was chatting with everyone, trying to pick up the mood in the work place and all I got was blunt anti-social-ness. I will also add at this point that the weather has been terribly hot. Quite possibly some of the hottest weather I have ever experienced. I would safely guess that it was 37 degrees today. We may be by the sea side but they community is dirt, and the heat reflects off everything. So maybe this contributes to everyones persona.
I mean the way I see it, I havent been here that long, and yes the heat is killing me, but I'm not finding a need to be a bitch to everyone.
I must also add in at this point that I dont think it is everyone, I think my unhappiness is largely contributed to one person. And one only.
So as calm, centered and kind as I am trying to be, this person just stirs me all up again. I am trying hard to not let it get to me. In fact I dont even know why its getting to me. Maybe I just hate knowing that I have tried my hardest to help a mate out and then when its all going good they cant even give you the time of day. So basically my solution to all this is just to let it all go. Ignore it. And do my own thing. I only thing that I think keeps me going is knowing that there is a time when this will all be over, and its not too far away.
But I also need to find a way to cure my mid-week blues.
Since being out here I have loved having a connection to the land. I love the fact that you can do things here that you really dont have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I like the thought of working out in the wilderness for a living. I have enjoyed it so much that I have considered changing my studies from law to either sustainability of zoology. But I like the prospect of working with cultures and Indigenous people. All these changes that are happening in my head are showing me more and more that I will generally travel for the rest of my life. I admit that coming out here I have found myself. I have come more into my own. And have decided alot more about what I want. It also worries me. It worries me that when I do go back to the real world I wont be able to handle. There is an immense amount of freedom up here and its going to be way hard to adapt back to. For example: I dont think I have worn a seat belt the whole time I have been here. My language has changed. I catch myself out speaking "blackfella". I dont think I have worn a pair of enclosed shoes EVER since being here. I have not once worried about my tattoos being shown. I have not worn one spec of makeup - even when I've gone to a party. In fact I dont even know where my make up is. I show up to work when I want. I go on a break when I want. And I pretty much do what I want. I would not think twice about taking a day off to go fishing. Its just how its done. The Territory life is crazy different to anything I have ever experienced. And its even more laxed out here.
So yes I am quite worried of how I will act while I'm home at Xmas. I literally no longer care what any person thinks of me, I am louder than I used to be and honestly a lot happier. So hopefully I can adapt all this back in.
I am still finding myself day-dreaming of being home. Everyday it is the only thing I think about. I do not look forward to the last 2 weeks before I go home because I know I will not sleep. I dont think I have ever wanted something so much. Its funny the things that you miss when they are gone. I never thought I would want to see my car this much. And feel its cushiony leather seats wrap around me. I cant wait to hear my sound system and drive at the same time! I cant wait for my dog to cover me in his hair and head butt me by accident when I try to pick up his food bowl. I cant wait to swim in the ocean without seeing or hearing a recent crocodile sighting story. To be able to walk down the street without being attacked by dogs or seeing a dead body, and to go into the shops without seeing a naked child or a fight.
I dont think anyone can truely understand the feeling of isolation like this without actually experiencing it. As much as I describe this place I never feel satisfied that I have even been able to give you a picture of what its really like. Even with the pictures I take, I dont even think they paint a proper portrait of how it is here. It can be a very interesting and inspiring place. I got told today that I "do this place well" that I get how it works out here and this is where I am meant to be. I can see how they say that. I just wish it was closer to home.
As much as I dont want to be negative I think that is going to be the downfall in a certain part of my life.
However! Happy Days ahead! - Grog hand out Saturday morning which means I have 6 bottles of wine. As much as it sounds bad to rely on it. It is an extremely good feeling to be incapacitated here and not be bothered even if just for one afternoon.
And I shall leave you with this:
Every one missed is one that you cant get back again.
I mean the way I see it, I havent been here that long, and yes the heat is killing me, but I'm not finding a need to be a bitch to everyone.
I must also add in at this point that I dont think it is everyone, I think my unhappiness is largely contributed to one person. And one only.
So as calm, centered and kind as I am trying to be, this person just stirs me all up again. I am trying hard to not let it get to me. In fact I dont even know why its getting to me. Maybe I just hate knowing that I have tried my hardest to help a mate out and then when its all going good they cant even give you the time of day. So basically my solution to all this is just to let it all go. Ignore it. And do my own thing. I only thing that I think keeps me going is knowing that there is a time when this will all be over, and its not too far away.
But I also need to find a way to cure my mid-week blues.
Since being out here I have loved having a connection to the land. I love the fact that you can do things here that you really dont have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I like the thought of working out in the wilderness for a living. I have enjoyed it so much that I have considered changing my studies from law to either sustainability of zoology. But I like the prospect of working with cultures and Indigenous people. All these changes that are happening in my head are showing me more and more that I will generally travel for the rest of my life. I admit that coming out here I have found myself. I have come more into my own. And have decided alot more about what I want. It also worries me. It worries me that when I do go back to the real world I wont be able to handle. There is an immense amount of freedom up here and its going to be way hard to adapt back to. For example: I dont think I have worn a seat belt the whole time I have been here. My language has changed. I catch myself out speaking "blackfella". I dont think I have worn a pair of enclosed shoes EVER since being here. I have not once worried about my tattoos being shown. I have not worn one spec of makeup - even when I've gone to a party. In fact I dont even know where my make up is. I show up to work when I want. I go on a break when I want. And I pretty much do what I want. I would not think twice about taking a day off to go fishing. Its just how its done. The Territory life is crazy different to anything I have ever experienced. And its even more laxed out here.
So yes I am quite worried of how I will act while I'm home at Xmas. I literally no longer care what any person thinks of me, I am louder than I used to be and honestly a lot happier. So hopefully I can adapt all this back in.
I am still finding myself day-dreaming of being home. Everyday it is the only thing I think about. I do not look forward to the last 2 weeks before I go home because I know I will not sleep. I dont think I have ever wanted something so much. Its funny the things that you miss when they are gone. I never thought I would want to see my car this much. And feel its cushiony leather seats wrap around me. I cant wait to hear my sound system and drive at the same time! I cant wait for my dog to cover me in his hair and head butt me by accident when I try to pick up his food bowl. I cant wait to swim in the ocean without seeing or hearing a recent crocodile sighting story. To be able to walk down the street without being attacked by dogs or seeing a dead body, and to go into the shops without seeing a naked child or a fight.
I dont think anyone can truely understand the feeling of isolation like this without actually experiencing it. As much as I describe this place I never feel satisfied that I have even been able to give you a picture of what its really like. Even with the pictures I take, I dont even think they paint a proper portrait of how it is here. It can be a very interesting and inspiring place. I got told today that I "do this place well" that I get how it works out here and this is where I am meant to be. I can see how they say that. I just wish it was closer to home.
As much as I dont want to be negative I think that is going to be the downfall in a certain part of my life.
However! Happy Days ahead! - Grog hand out Saturday morning which means I have 6 bottles of wine. As much as it sounds bad to rely on it. It is an extremely good feeling to be incapacitated here and not be bothered even if just for one afternoon.
And I shall leave you with this:
Every one missed is one that you cant get back again.
Sunday 9 October 2011
The Adventure Continues...
At first I will begin by apologising for my lack of new posts. My interest in writing is feigning. I am unsure of why. I have plenty of things to tell, just no interest in telling them. But anyway here I am.
Firstly. I ate crocodile the other night. This is prior to me finding out that it is a sacred animal up here and even the Indigenous dont eat it. So I feel a little guilty for it. But it was pretty good. It is a white meat, and tasted kinda like prawns, but with the consistency of pork.
The last couple of weeks I have been struggling to find anything to do or be invited to. So I have decided to just go for it. I just randomly have been talking people in the shop more just to meet more people. This ended up working out this week, as I got invited to go on a trip out to crab creek. Pretty exciting stuff! So saturday afternoon we all piled into the back of a troupie and headed west into the bush. It took about 30mins to get out there and the whole point of the trip was for Longbom. Longbom is a slug that lives in Cone Shell. Crab creek was pretty empty at the time and there were literally thousands of coneshells. We got a couple of buckets worth. The local people that we were with ate them raw, kinda similar to oyster. Ive never eaten oyster in my life basically because I couldnt muster the balls. So the locals were up there eating them raw. And for some unknown reason I just went up and ate one. It didnt taste too bad at first. A bit chewy. Then a horrible after taste. Im glad I did it though. This is the stuff that I have come up here to do. Theres no room for me to be soft. So it was a proud achievement.
We next went out to Narnamuk. It was about another 30mins through the bush. When we got there it was one of the nicest beaches I have seen. The locals sat down and started making a fire to cook the Longbom and we all took our hand lines and went for a fish off the rocks. We were all about knee deep in the water, nice warm water at that. Nice warm water that you cannot go in, or near usually because it is too trecherous. However dangerous the water may be sometimes you just cant help it. Its crazy beautiful up here and its hard seeing some of the nicest beaches and not being able to go near them. Anyway. I fished off the rocks and then noticed a dark shadow in the water really close to me. Theres nothing to suggest it was a croc, but I bailed anyway. This beach, Narnamuk, is where you can find really big sea shells. I found some pretty big ones so that was pretty decent.
When we got back into town, I took some Longbom to my Indigenous family. They loved it. The land we were on we had to have permission to be on, so any fish you catch or anything you hunt, you generally have to give some to the Land Owners, thanking them for letting you use the land.
Last weekend me and a friend ventured out to a place called Rocky Point. It is my Indigneous family's land, but I still need to get permission to go there, or have one of them with me. When I went out I didnt have any permission. So we stopped so I could take a couple of pictures and left. If you get caught on land that you dont have permission to be on, it can be really serious. The land owners can take your car, your belongings or they can fine you. These are fines of which police will enforce. I have heard it is $1000 per person. I can be worse, they can run you out of the community. If you piss off the right people you can be out of town within 24hours and not allowed back.
Getting out of town like this is the best remedy for a bad week. I find even if we just go for a drive out of town, or a run in the boat, I am completely refreshed for another week of puting up with this place. As I have mentioned before, there are good and bad days. The last week has been awesome here. Nothing has bothered me. I put the down to the fact that I know I am leaving for sure. I know that when I go home there will be someone hopefully waiting there for me. The last week has picked up my spirits something shocking. At this stage it is 59days until I get to go home. The one thing I want more than anything, the moment that I am awaiting desperatley to arrive, is the moment I arrive home, get off the plane and see a certain person's face. This one and only moment is what keeps me going. I am getting worried that I am looking forward to it too much and that I may pass out when it actually happens. Not really. But kinda maybe.
I am hoping and I think that my spirit will stay lifted. The news I heard last week was the one and only thing that could take my minor depression away. And I am so thankful to have finally heard it. It is the one thing the has put me totally and utterly at peace.
For those who havent been seen any of my pics yet, feel free to check out the link below.
As for this week, I hope to go out and finally land my first Barra. Wish me luck!
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150276253385847.330262.718885846&type=3
Firstly. I ate crocodile the other night. This is prior to me finding out that it is a sacred animal up here and even the Indigenous dont eat it. So I feel a little guilty for it. But it was pretty good. It is a white meat, and tasted kinda like prawns, but with the consistency of pork.
The last couple of weeks I have been struggling to find anything to do or be invited to. So I have decided to just go for it. I just randomly have been talking people in the shop more just to meet more people. This ended up working out this week, as I got invited to go on a trip out to crab creek. Pretty exciting stuff! So saturday afternoon we all piled into the back of a troupie and headed west into the bush. It took about 30mins to get out there and the whole point of the trip was for Longbom. Longbom is a slug that lives in Cone Shell. Crab creek was pretty empty at the time and there were literally thousands of coneshells. We got a couple of buckets worth. The local people that we were with ate them raw, kinda similar to oyster. Ive never eaten oyster in my life basically because I couldnt muster the balls. So the locals were up there eating them raw. And for some unknown reason I just went up and ate one. It didnt taste too bad at first. A bit chewy. Then a horrible after taste. Im glad I did it though. This is the stuff that I have come up here to do. Theres no room for me to be soft. So it was a proud achievement.
We next went out to Narnamuk. It was about another 30mins through the bush. When we got there it was one of the nicest beaches I have seen. The locals sat down and started making a fire to cook the Longbom and we all took our hand lines and went for a fish off the rocks. We were all about knee deep in the water, nice warm water at that. Nice warm water that you cannot go in, or near usually because it is too trecherous. However dangerous the water may be sometimes you just cant help it. Its crazy beautiful up here and its hard seeing some of the nicest beaches and not being able to go near them. Anyway. I fished off the rocks and then noticed a dark shadow in the water really close to me. Theres nothing to suggest it was a croc, but I bailed anyway. This beach, Narnamuk, is where you can find really big sea shells. I found some pretty big ones so that was pretty decent.
When we got back into town, I took some Longbom to my Indigenous family. They loved it. The land we were on we had to have permission to be on, so any fish you catch or anything you hunt, you generally have to give some to the Land Owners, thanking them for letting you use the land.
Last weekend me and a friend ventured out to a place called Rocky Point. It is my Indigneous family's land, but I still need to get permission to go there, or have one of them with me. When I went out I didnt have any permission. So we stopped so I could take a couple of pictures and left. If you get caught on land that you dont have permission to be on, it can be really serious. The land owners can take your car, your belongings or they can fine you. These are fines of which police will enforce. I have heard it is $1000 per person. I can be worse, they can run you out of the community. If you piss off the right people you can be out of town within 24hours and not allowed back.
Getting out of town like this is the best remedy for a bad week. I find even if we just go for a drive out of town, or a run in the boat, I am completely refreshed for another week of puting up with this place. As I have mentioned before, there are good and bad days. The last week has been awesome here. Nothing has bothered me. I put the down to the fact that I know I am leaving for sure. I know that when I go home there will be someone hopefully waiting there for me. The last week has picked up my spirits something shocking. At this stage it is 59days until I get to go home. The one thing I want more than anything, the moment that I am awaiting desperatley to arrive, is the moment I arrive home, get off the plane and see a certain person's face. This one and only moment is what keeps me going. I am getting worried that I am looking forward to it too much and that I may pass out when it actually happens. Not really. But kinda maybe.
I am hoping and I think that my spirit will stay lifted. The news I heard last week was the one and only thing that could take my minor depression away. And I am so thankful to have finally heard it. It is the one thing the has put me totally and utterly at peace.
For those who havent been seen any of my pics yet, feel free to check out the link below.
As for this week, I hope to go out and finally land my first Barra. Wish me luck!
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150276253385847.330262.718885846&type=3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)