So I have come to the conclusion that Wednesdays are crap. Looking back at alot of my posts, and thinking of days that I wanted to post on, they have often been Wednesdays. I am seeing a pattern, and I have been unabe to conclude why, but I am generally depressed on Wednesdays. I dont know if it is because people are over it by Wednesday and their mood contributes to it or what. I was feeling fine today. I was chatting with everyone, trying to pick up the mood in the work place and all I got was blunt anti-social-ness. I will also add at this point that the weather has been terribly hot. Quite possibly some of the hottest weather I have ever experienced. I would safely guess that it was 37 degrees today. We may be by the sea side but they community is dirt, and the heat reflects off everything. So maybe this contributes to everyones persona.
I mean the way I see it, I havent been here that long, and yes the heat is killing me, but I'm not finding a need to be a bitch to everyone.
I must also add in at this point that I dont think it is everyone, I think my unhappiness is largely contributed to one person. And one only.
So as calm, centered and kind as I am trying to be, this person just stirs me all up again. I am trying hard to not let it get to me. In fact I dont even know why its getting to me. Maybe I just hate knowing that I have tried my hardest to help a mate out and then when its all going good they cant even give you the time of day. So basically my solution to all this is just to let it all go. Ignore it. And do my own thing. I only thing that I think keeps me going is knowing that there is a time when this will all be over, and its not too far away.
But I also need to find a way to cure my mid-week blues.
Since being out here I have loved having a connection to the land. I love the fact that you can do things here that you really dont have the opportunity to do anywhere else. I like the thought of working out in the wilderness for a living. I have enjoyed it so much that I have considered changing my studies from law to either sustainability of zoology. But I like the prospect of working with cultures and Indigenous people. All these changes that are happening in my head are showing me more and more that I will generally travel for the rest of my life. I admit that coming out here I have found myself. I have come more into my own. And have decided alot more about what I want. It also worries me. It worries me that when I do go back to the real world I wont be able to handle. There is an immense amount of freedom up here and its going to be way hard to adapt back to. For example: I dont think I have worn a seat belt the whole time I have been here. My language has changed. I catch myself out speaking "blackfella". I dont think I have worn a pair of enclosed shoes EVER since being here. I have not once worried about my tattoos being shown. I have not worn one spec of makeup - even when I've gone to a party. In fact I dont even know where my make up is. I show up to work when I want. I go on a break when I want. And I pretty much do what I want. I would not think twice about taking a day off to go fishing. Its just how its done. The Territory life is crazy different to anything I have ever experienced. And its even more laxed out here.
So yes I am quite worried of how I will act while I'm home at Xmas. I literally no longer care what any person thinks of me, I am louder than I used to be and honestly a lot happier. So hopefully I can adapt all this back in.
I am still finding myself day-dreaming of being home. Everyday it is the only thing I think about. I do not look forward to the last 2 weeks before I go home because I know I will not sleep. I dont think I have ever wanted something so much. Its funny the things that you miss when they are gone. I never thought I would want to see my car this much. And feel its cushiony leather seats wrap around me. I cant wait to hear my sound system and drive at the same time! I cant wait for my dog to cover me in his hair and head butt me by accident when I try to pick up his food bowl. I cant wait to swim in the ocean without seeing or hearing a recent crocodile sighting story. To be able to walk down the street without being attacked by dogs or seeing a dead body, and to go into the shops without seeing a naked child or a fight.
I dont think anyone can truely understand the feeling of isolation like this without actually experiencing it. As much as I describe this place I never feel satisfied that I have even been able to give you a picture of what its really like. Even with the pictures I take, I dont even think they paint a proper portrait of how it is here. It can be a very interesting and inspiring place. I got told today that I "do this place well" that I get how it works out here and this is where I am meant to be. I can see how they say that. I just wish it was closer to home.
As much as I dont want to be negative I think that is going to be the downfall in a certain part of my life.
However! Happy Days ahead! - Grog hand out Saturday morning which means I have 6 bottles of wine. As much as it sounds bad to rely on it. It is an extremely good feeling to be incapacitated here and not be bothered even if just for one afternoon.
And I shall leave you with this:
Every one missed is one that you cant get back again.
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