Good writing only comes from strong emotion. Lust, Depression, Happiness, Loneliness. Sometimes it might be disturbing, but its true. It is how the best art is born. Somehow puting my feelings into text is calming and helps me see things from a different perspective. I think this is why I write most often when I am depressed and lonely. Which is unfortunate. But thats how it is.
I dont know if I am losing my mind or if its just a momentary thing but this place is depressing me. I just want to cry. I dont even want to go home. I just want to be alone, somewhere, but in the real world. I admit I have been feeling crappy for most of the afternoon. But a certain event has tipped me over the edge. The last few weeks I have been extremely happy. I was so excited at the prospect of heading home and being with the person I love the most. But it doesnt seem that it will end up that way. In fact I will be suprised if it does. I cant blame it all on one event. Theres a huge chance that it has something to do with my "cabin fever", loneliness, isolation. Maybe I was just ultra sensitive today. I just feel like things arent going to turn out how I want them to be. And I feel like my feelings wont be reciprocated how I've been assured they will. I was just that one event that made me lose all faith. It made me feel that I would just be dumped in a heartbeat for something better, just like the old days. There is no way that I have spent this time up here just to go back to the way things were. To not really make any life progression at all. My head is starting to tell me this might be the wrong choice to make and more and more I feel the pull to move away and start over. Get my things together and finally do something for myself. Im not doing anything for anyone anymore. Im feeling that I will do and be whatever I want from now on, and whoever wants to jump on the bandwagon can do so.
People arent going to control my feelings anymore. The ultimate freedom is what we all need to find. And Im going to start by finishing my dreads. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I dont care care how short I have to cut my hair to get rid of them. Its my choice and I dont care if you dont like it :)
And Im thinking a roadtrip might just be what I need....
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Saturday, 5 November 2011
When I grow up....
I wrote this post about a month ago and had never finished it. So I am deciding to post it now, Sorry that it is a bit out of order.
During on of my many periods of daydreaming yesterday I realised something that made me quite envious of the locals here. I was dreaming about where I would end up in my life, what I would end up choosing/where I would end up living etc. And this topic always distresses me. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm getting to the stage where I am grown up I still dont know what I want to be.
I then realised that the people here have no pressure on them for these sorts of things. They have no aspirations of any change, or to accomplish anything that is even considered a minor achievement in the white man's world. When it dawned on me it was quite interesting. Now dont get me wrong, there are Indigenous people here who do work, and who enjoy it alot. But in our community I reckon the percentage of workers would be about 10% of the population.
I became quite jealous. It is nothing for my girls to go home at lunchtime and not come back to work simply because they dont feel like it. And it is accepted by my bosses. Thats just how it is. It is expected that the white people work the hours they should. To give you an insight: one of my girls might bugger off to another community for a couple of months maybe even years, when she returns she will walk right back into her job no questions asked. But if I buggered off for a couple of days/weeks without notice I would loose my job. Basically no one ever get fired up here unless they get caught stealing.
I was thinking today, that this place is fairly awesome. My house is about 150m from the beach. When I walk to the end of my street I can see the beach. When I walk out the front door of my work, I can see the ocean. I can walk down to the beach at anytime and see a crocodile sunning itself on the sand. The people here have a great opportunity to an awesome life. They get free housing. And the government pays them to have children/look for work. So they all do nothing most days and get paid for it. They have opportunity to fish, hunt, swim, go bush and see animals that you never get to see anywhere else.
So there are all these opportunites sitting on our door step. Some of the best fishing in Australia is here, along with some of the best beaches. And these people have access to even more places, that I dont, that are alot better than anything I've seen up here.
So these people need to take care of and make the most of what they have got before it is gone. The indigenous blame the white man for alot things. But its not the white people who find it acceptable to litter and It is not the white people who dump their belongings on the beach front. This place is beautiful, but it is sad what is happening to it. And its sadder to think that these people arent making the most of what they've got.
One of my friends said to me oneday "if you were getting $70k a year in royalties, dont you think you would buy an awesome boat and be out fishing every day or hunting, just living the dream? Not just sitting around watering your dirt allday?" And its totally true (yes for some reason they just sit in the same spot for hours and water the same patch of dirt over and over). But alot of them do have an opportunity to a good life. I suppose they just dont want it. I dont really know.
During on of my many periods of daydreaming yesterday I realised something that made me quite envious of the locals here. I was dreaming about where I would end up in my life, what I would end up choosing/where I would end up living etc. And this topic always distresses me. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm getting to the stage where I am grown up I still dont know what I want to be.
I then realised that the people here have no pressure on them for these sorts of things. They have no aspirations of any change, or to accomplish anything that is even considered a minor achievement in the white man's world. When it dawned on me it was quite interesting. Now dont get me wrong, there are Indigenous people here who do work, and who enjoy it alot. But in our community I reckon the percentage of workers would be about 10% of the population.
I became quite jealous. It is nothing for my girls to go home at lunchtime and not come back to work simply because they dont feel like it. And it is accepted by my bosses. Thats just how it is. It is expected that the white people work the hours they should. To give you an insight: one of my girls might bugger off to another community for a couple of months maybe even years, when she returns she will walk right back into her job no questions asked. But if I buggered off for a couple of days/weeks without notice I would loose my job. Basically no one ever get fired up here unless they get caught stealing.
I was thinking today, that this place is fairly awesome. My house is about 150m from the beach. When I walk to the end of my street I can see the beach. When I walk out the front door of my work, I can see the ocean. I can walk down to the beach at anytime and see a crocodile sunning itself on the sand. The people here have a great opportunity to an awesome life. They get free housing. And the government pays them to have children/look for work. So they all do nothing most days and get paid for it. They have opportunity to fish, hunt, swim, go bush and see animals that you never get to see anywhere else.
So there are all these opportunites sitting on our door step. Some of the best fishing in Australia is here, along with some of the best beaches. And these people have access to even more places, that I dont, that are alot better than anything I've seen up here.
So these people need to take care of and make the most of what they have got before it is gone. The indigenous blame the white man for alot things. But its not the white people who find it acceptable to litter and It is not the white people who dump their belongings on the beach front. This place is beautiful, but it is sad what is happening to it. And its sadder to think that these people arent making the most of what they've got.
One of my friends said to me oneday "if you were getting $70k a year in royalties, dont you think you would buy an awesome boat and be out fishing every day or hunting, just living the dream? Not just sitting around watering your dirt allday?" And its totally true (yes for some reason they just sit in the same spot for hours and water the same patch of dirt over and over). But alot of them do have an opportunity to a good life. I suppose they just dont want it. I dont really know.
Reflection.
I sit here, all alone on a saturday night; something that is unheard of in the real world, and feel oddly content with myself. All of my friends are in Darwin, partying, and I have chosen to stay home to save money - also another unusual occurance. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I am ready to go home. I think I am afraid that if I have too much of good time I might want to stay. Ha ha.
At this point I am thankful for the experience I have had here. I have learnt alot of things. I feel older, but look younger and more relaxed. Not so stressed anymore. And my skin is smooth and clear. I like it. I also feel a sort of inner happiness, this being what I am thankful for the most. I just hope that I can hold onto this in the real world and not let things get to me like they used to. I definately think I will come back here oneday, or somewhere similar anyway. I like the culture, and the respect that the Indigenous have for their culture. In saying this, from what I have seen in my travels, the Indigenous here are more lazy than else where, and their culture seems to be fading. Its really sad. In all honesty I think alot of it comes down to the government. This particular community is just like it has been dumped out in the middle of no where, where no would discover it or how it is. Very sad.
I watched a documentary today on the Indigenous channel, that we only have in the Northern Territory (no where else in Australia, which I think is so stupid that its not everywhere else in the country), however it was a documentary on a small community called Numbulwar. It looked so nice! Nothing compared to here. There was no rubbish, the dogs were contained and the people were clean and had alot of respect and culture. And this community was even more isolated than here. I will most definatley visit it oneday. I just dont understand how this place went so wrong. And as much as I want to leave, I also want go stay and try and make it a better place. I have family here now, and it is sad to know that you may never see them again, or that they may come up against some sort of abuse or violence.
Over the last couple of weeks, as I have written, I have decided that I am going back to the real in December. This is something that I feel a strong need to do. There is a bond there that I am not ready to give away. Things that I need to see how and where they will go. And from what I have learnt about myself up here, I know that I need to do this or I will regret it for the rest of my life if I dont. I have always believed that more than anything you need to do what makes you happy, no matter what it is, or when it comes about. Because if you die tomorrow you will regret holding back. So I will do what I need to do to make me happy. I dont care about my career. And I dont care about money. Because that is not what is going to make me happy right now. However, this certain person most definatly is.
In saying all of this, I have also had some clarity about what it is that I want to do in my life. Maybe I should put it all down to the incredible amounts of thinking time that I have had out here. So, back to uni it does look like. And I am thinking of doing sustainability. If there is one thing I have learnt about myself it is that there is no way a will be able to sit in an office all day for the rest of my life. So something out doors it is, quite possibly with a bit of cultural studies thrown in there as well.
At this very moment however, I do feel like my life is standing still. I am basically in waiting. Just waiting for the next month to go by so I can go home. And I know this absolutely contradicts everything I just said about doing what makes you happy, but I must see my time through here. It is just what I feel like I need to do, for some unknown reason. I have certainly thought about leaving earlier, but I just cant right now.
So these experiences I will carry with me wherever I go, through the rest of my life. I have changed for the better - as I see it anyway. Maybe a bit of the Outback is what everyone needs.
At this point I am thankful for the experience I have had here. I have learnt alot of things. I feel older, but look younger and more relaxed. Not so stressed anymore. And my skin is smooth and clear. I like it. I also feel a sort of inner happiness, this being what I am thankful for the most. I just hope that I can hold onto this in the real world and not let things get to me like they used to. I definately think I will come back here oneday, or somewhere similar anyway. I like the culture, and the respect that the Indigenous have for their culture. In saying this, from what I have seen in my travels, the Indigenous here are more lazy than else where, and their culture seems to be fading. Its really sad. In all honesty I think alot of it comes down to the government. This particular community is just like it has been dumped out in the middle of no where, where no would discover it or how it is. Very sad.
I watched a documentary today on the Indigenous channel, that we only have in the Northern Territory (no where else in Australia, which I think is so stupid that its not everywhere else in the country), however it was a documentary on a small community called Numbulwar. It looked so nice! Nothing compared to here. There was no rubbish, the dogs were contained and the people were clean and had alot of respect and culture. And this community was even more isolated than here. I will most definatley visit it oneday. I just dont understand how this place went so wrong. And as much as I want to leave, I also want go stay and try and make it a better place. I have family here now, and it is sad to know that you may never see them again, or that they may come up against some sort of abuse or violence.
Over the last couple of weeks, as I have written, I have decided that I am going back to the real in December. This is something that I feel a strong need to do. There is a bond there that I am not ready to give away. Things that I need to see how and where they will go. And from what I have learnt about myself up here, I know that I need to do this or I will regret it for the rest of my life if I dont. I have always believed that more than anything you need to do what makes you happy, no matter what it is, or when it comes about. Because if you die tomorrow you will regret holding back. So I will do what I need to do to make me happy. I dont care about my career. And I dont care about money. Because that is not what is going to make me happy right now. However, this certain person most definatly is.
In saying all of this, I have also had some clarity about what it is that I want to do in my life. Maybe I should put it all down to the incredible amounts of thinking time that I have had out here. So, back to uni it does look like. And I am thinking of doing sustainability. If there is one thing I have learnt about myself it is that there is no way a will be able to sit in an office all day for the rest of my life. So something out doors it is, quite possibly with a bit of cultural studies thrown in there as well.
At this very moment however, I do feel like my life is standing still. I am basically in waiting. Just waiting for the next month to go by so I can go home. And I know this absolutely contradicts everything I just said about doing what makes you happy, but I must see my time through here. It is just what I feel like I need to do, for some unknown reason. I have certainly thought about leaving earlier, but I just cant right now.
So these experiences I will carry with me wherever I go, through the rest of my life. I have changed for the better - as I see it anyway. Maybe a bit of the Outback is what everyone needs.
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Another Grog Handout Day
Ok. So after the recent events of the weekend past, I have decided that I am no longer going to drink while I am up here. I literally dont care if I dont have a life anymore. As I have said many times before, the white people here are a bunch of bastards. Never in my life have a come across such a densely populated area of c**nts. Its like, if you dont fit in, in the real world, come out here because your will fit in with the other bastards out here, you can all live together in harmony.
And when I tend to drink here, I somehow, stir all these bastards up. In my normal day to day, I dont even come across them. But the second I am drinking I get myself into grief.
So as you can tell by the story so far, yes I was drinking. I had decided that I wouldnt drink too much because I am sick of being hungover the next day. So I only drank about 20 beers. Sad. And I was sick. I ended up at a mates place, which turned out to be further out of turn than I expected. I walked through the community in the middle of the night, with no protection, so god knows what I was thinking. When I woke up the next day I had no way of getting home and my house was about 2km away. I was basically in the bush. So I decided to walk to shop closest in hope that I would see someone there that I knew. I was still pretty hammered so it was quite a joyous walk i suppose. I also had no battery on my mobile so I couldnt even call anyone. I got to the shop. Thank god for a couple of boys being there that I knew, and dropped me home. There is absolutley no way I would have made it back through the community without getting attacked by dogs. I cant believe I even contemplated it.
As the day progressed, my drunkeness turned into hungoverness and I was deathly ill - again. And in a whole world of trouble with a bunch of the white people. So with only 39 days till I leave this shit hole, I have decided no more drinking. I will still make use of my permit, I just will be making a profit from now on I think. And to back up my statement from the other day. I think my adventure is definately over here. I am ready to go home, but maybe not to stay. I think the travel bug might have bitten me and I will just travel around for the next few years. I have also started my dread locks which seems to me as a sign that Im not ready to be apart of the real world again, not just yet. Who could know where I end up!
And when I tend to drink here, I somehow, stir all these bastards up. In my normal day to day, I dont even come across them. But the second I am drinking I get myself into grief.
So as you can tell by the story so far, yes I was drinking. I had decided that I wouldnt drink too much because I am sick of being hungover the next day. So I only drank about 20 beers. Sad. And I was sick. I ended up at a mates place, which turned out to be further out of turn than I expected. I walked through the community in the middle of the night, with no protection, so god knows what I was thinking. When I woke up the next day I had no way of getting home and my house was about 2km away. I was basically in the bush. So I decided to walk to shop closest in hope that I would see someone there that I knew. I was still pretty hammered so it was quite a joyous walk i suppose. I also had no battery on my mobile so I couldnt even call anyone. I got to the shop. Thank god for a couple of boys being there that I knew, and dropped me home. There is absolutley no way I would have made it back through the community without getting attacked by dogs. I cant believe I even contemplated it.
As the day progressed, my drunkeness turned into hungoverness and I was deathly ill - again. And in a whole world of trouble with a bunch of the white people. So with only 39 days till I leave this shit hole, I have decided no more drinking. I will still make use of my permit, I just will be making a profit from now on I think. And to back up my statement from the other day. I think my adventure is definately over here. I am ready to go home, but maybe not to stay. I think the travel bug might have bitten me and I will just travel around for the next few years. I have also started my dread locks which seems to me as a sign that Im not ready to be apart of the real world again, not just yet. Who could know where I end up!
Friday, 28 October 2011
Over the Hump.
Ok so I am past the halfway point. I get to go home in six weeks. Things seem to all be going down hill. And by that I mean they are going really quickly. To the point where some of the days are just a blur. I find this to be a good thing. More so than ever do I want to be home. I have pretty much decided that I am not coming back after Christmas. I have my flights booked to come back but I dont think I will. However I am not making anything certain, Im just calling it as I see it.
So things going quickly has put me in quite a good mood lately, nothing has been able to shift it either until today. I had plans to go into Darwin this weekend. It is possibly one of the last weekends that we will be able to drive out of here before the wet cuts the road off, and I was very keen to get my drink on and let off a bit of steam. This all fell through. And because it is so close to the road being cut by the wet, no one else in town is very game to drive it. So here I am stuck. For another boring weekend. It is also grog handout weekend and I am trying to avoid drinking here because of the embarassing amounts that I tend to end up consuming. So as much as I dont want it to, I'm sure my carton of beer will disappear very quickly tomorrow.
I think another reason that contributed to my bad mood/homesickness was something a friend called me today. He called me Lois. Which is what my boys call me back home as a nickname. Now my friend here had totally no idea of this, but when he said it I spun around so fast I swear my head nearly came off. It was like an instant flash back. As I spun around, I was home. It was like slow motion. I even saw my house. And my brain just expected to see my mate behind me. It was epic. But I spun around only to find that I was still here. But it was sweet knowing that my mate up here was just making a joke to cheer me up.
I am truely believing that my adventure here has finished. I have seen what I wanted to, and am just ready to go home. It just the count down now.
Hopefully the next few weeks will fly by.
So things going quickly has put me in quite a good mood lately, nothing has been able to shift it either until today. I had plans to go into Darwin this weekend. It is possibly one of the last weekends that we will be able to drive out of here before the wet cuts the road off, and I was very keen to get my drink on and let off a bit of steam. This all fell through. And because it is so close to the road being cut by the wet, no one else in town is very game to drive it. So here I am stuck. For another boring weekend. It is also grog handout weekend and I am trying to avoid drinking here because of the embarassing amounts that I tend to end up consuming. So as much as I dont want it to, I'm sure my carton of beer will disappear very quickly tomorrow.
I think another reason that contributed to my bad mood/homesickness was something a friend called me today. He called me Lois. Which is what my boys call me back home as a nickname. Now my friend here had totally no idea of this, but when he said it I spun around so fast I swear my head nearly came off. It was like an instant flash back. As I spun around, I was home. It was like slow motion. I even saw my house. And my brain just expected to see my mate behind me. It was epic. But I spun around only to find that I was still here. But it was sweet knowing that my mate up here was just making a joke to cheer me up.
I am truely believing that my adventure here has finished. I have seen what I wanted to, and am just ready to go home. It just the count down now.
Hopefully the next few weeks will fly by.
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Grog Hand Out Weekend.
So the weekend just passed was our grog hand out weekend. As I have said previously there is limited amount of alochol that you can LEGALLY obtain here. So this weekend I had 6 bottles of wine come into my possesion. The next grog hand out day is in 2 weeks. So whatever you get on the handout day is to last you for two weeks.
It was actually quite sad how excited I was to get intoxicated. The feeling I wanted the most was for my judgement to slip a little. Just to let everything go and blow off a little steam. I think that is the hardest thing I find here is that it is hard to find an outlet for any stress. I can see why alcohol is limited here because I know exactly how I would be if I could drink as much as I wanted.
Continuning on, I finished work at 12 Saturday. I had to occupy myself for 4 hours before my neighbourhood drinks started. Which was hard. Because I was WAY too keen. I hadnt had much to drink for the last probably four weeks. So my waiting for the afternoon didnt really happen. I started to drink at about one around at a workmates place. I left there, and then went to my neighbour's drinks. I continued to drink. I then decided to walk around to my mate's place and continue to drink. Along the way some of the community dogs ran out to attack me. But I have learnt if you ignore them, they totally dont care. Dont get me wrong, they still attack. But I find if I just ignore them and keep walking, they stop caring. So anyways. I continued on and had some drinks with my mates and then decided to stroll home in the dark. It can be a little dangerous walking here at night. Not only because of the dogs but because of the people as well. Especially on grog hand out night.
If I can paint a picture...
When people here get their grog every second saturday, and I am talking both black and white people, it is often consumed by the end of that day. It is a sure thing that there will be big fights between the Indigenous. Since I have been here (approx 4-5 handouts), people have hanged themselves, a guy was stabbed in the neck and a Somalian guy was running around the community completely naked while pleasuring himself, over and over again. This is the busiest night of all for the police here. Gambling and child molestation are rife, drink driving, and fights. So walking home on grog hand out night is not the best idea of all.
I walked home anyway. Dogs came out at me but by this stage I was way to drunk to care. I didnt remember til the next morning that I had seen some Indigenous folks on my walk and I actually stopped to talk to them for a bit. Its quite cool that whenever I get about the community I cant get around without seeing someone that I know. I kinda like that. And they love it when you remember their name and have a chat to them. So it quite made my night.
When I got back into my street I realised that my new neighbour was still up watching the soccer, so I just invited myself over to continue drinking, obviously not too keen to end the party. Which was a bad choice. I was pretty shattered by this stage, about 3 1/2 bottles down. I ended up falling asleep on his couch and he woke me up to go home. I dont remember getting in the house so who knows how that happend.
But in all, I enjoy the amount of people that I know here. Its nice to get around and see people you know all the time. I liken it to being on school camp or something like that. Which is kinda cool.
Since the weekend I have decided that I am not going to drink anymore. I have decided to put my alcohol acquisition to a better use - funding my trip home. This may sound bad, but there is money to be made here and I have decided to take the opportunity to make it.
Over the weekend I discovered the reason for having skin names. It is so families dont interbreed, this is the same reason for fathers not talking to their daughter-inlaws etc (which is known as poison cousins). Its very interesting because this practice has been within their culture since the begining of time, whereas other cultures have many stories about interbreeding. Its very interesting the stuff that you learn when speak with the locals. I have also discovered the reason why they have so many dogs. However the reason for this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard, so I am deciding not to share it here.
One of the girls that I work with and am quite close with, tells me today that her cousin is pregnant at 11. She is also married to a fellow around the same age. This is not uncommon. In fact their family is proud that she is bringing a baby into the world. They criticise my friend because she hasnt had children at 20. Its crazy. I tell them that I dont plan to have kids til Im 30 and they think Im crazy.
I was speaking to one of the other ladies I work with and she has the same skin name as my mother. Which means she is my mother. So basically she has to look after me if anything should happen to my mother. Her family is mine. Its pretty awesome knowing that you have a huge family. Even if you dont know them.
So I am at a cross roads. I go home, back to the real world, on the 9th of December. I go there for a month and travel the East Coast and swim in the ocean - which is long over due. The thing is that I am not sure if I want to come back. The thing with this place is that it can be the most amazing place in the world, and at then the next day it can be the worst. I love the experiences that I have had and am open to having just because I am here. There are things that are normal here that you cant get anywhere else. But in saying that, I miss my home dearly. I feel a strong pull to it and that I should be there as soon as possible. I am just worried that if and when I stop my adventure, I may not get it back ever again. On the same line, my mum has had enough of it up here, there is a chance that she will just up and leave over the break as well and I wont have anywhere to come back to. So it is a little up in the air at the moment.
But I will still do my best to have as many and as most awesome experiences as possible! Until at such time I board the plane to leave.
As they say, Theres nothing sweeter than Maningrida.
It was actually quite sad how excited I was to get intoxicated. The feeling I wanted the most was for my judgement to slip a little. Just to let everything go and blow off a little steam. I think that is the hardest thing I find here is that it is hard to find an outlet for any stress. I can see why alcohol is limited here because I know exactly how I would be if I could drink as much as I wanted.
Continuning on, I finished work at 12 Saturday. I had to occupy myself for 4 hours before my neighbourhood drinks started. Which was hard. Because I was WAY too keen. I hadnt had much to drink for the last probably four weeks. So my waiting for the afternoon didnt really happen. I started to drink at about one around at a workmates place. I left there, and then went to my neighbour's drinks. I continued to drink. I then decided to walk around to my mate's place and continue to drink. Along the way some of the community dogs ran out to attack me. But I have learnt if you ignore them, they totally dont care. Dont get me wrong, they still attack. But I find if I just ignore them and keep walking, they stop caring. So anyways. I continued on and had some drinks with my mates and then decided to stroll home in the dark. It can be a little dangerous walking here at night. Not only because of the dogs but because of the people as well. Especially on grog hand out night.
If I can paint a picture...
When people here get their grog every second saturday, and I am talking both black and white people, it is often consumed by the end of that day. It is a sure thing that there will be big fights between the Indigenous. Since I have been here (approx 4-5 handouts), people have hanged themselves, a guy was stabbed in the neck and a Somalian guy was running around the community completely naked while pleasuring himself, over and over again. This is the busiest night of all for the police here. Gambling and child molestation are rife, drink driving, and fights. So walking home on grog hand out night is not the best idea of all.
I walked home anyway. Dogs came out at me but by this stage I was way to drunk to care. I didnt remember til the next morning that I had seen some Indigenous folks on my walk and I actually stopped to talk to them for a bit. Its quite cool that whenever I get about the community I cant get around without seeing someone that I know. I kinda like that. And they love it when you remember their name and have a chat to them. So it quite made my night.
When I got back into my street I realised that my new neighbour was still up watching the soccer, so I just invited myself over to continue drinking, obviously not too keen to end the party. Which was a bad choice. I was pretty shattered by this stage, about 3 1/2 bottles down. I ended up falling asleep on his couch and he woke me up to go home. I dont remember getting in the house so who knows how that happend.
But in all, I enjoy the amount of people that I know here. Its nice to get around and see people you know all the time. I liken it to being on school camp or something like that. Which is kinda cool.
Since the weekend I have decided that I am not going to drink anymore. I have decided to put my alcohol acquisition to a better use - funding my trip home. This may sound bad, but there is money to be made here and I have decided to take the opportunity to make it.
Over the weekend I discovered the reason for having skin names. It is so families dont interbreed, this is the same reason for fathers not talking to their daughter-inlaws etc (which is known as poison cousins). Its very interesting because this practice has been within their culture since the begining of time, whereas other cultures have many stories about interbreeding. Its very interesting the stuff that you learn when speak with the locals. I have also discovered the reason why they have so many dogs. However the reason for this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard, so I am deciding not to share it here.
One of the girls that I work with and am quite close with, tells me today that her cousin is pregnant at 11. She is also married to a fellow around the same age. This is not uncommon. In fact their family is proud that she is bringing a baby into the world. They criticise my friend because she hasnt had children at 20. Its crazy. I tell them that I dont plan to have kids til Im 30 and they think Im crazy.
I was speaking to one of the other ladies I work with and she has the same skin name as my mother. Which means she is my mother. So basically she has to look after me if anything should happen to my mother. Her family is mine. Its pretty awesome knowing that you have a huge family. Even if you dont know them.
So I am at a cross roads. I go home, back to the real world, on the 9th of December. I go there for a month and travel the East Coast and swim in the ocean - which is long over due. The thing is that I am not sure if I want to come back. The thing with this place is that it can be the most amazing place in the world, and at then the next day it can be the worst. I love the experiences that I have had and am open to having just because I am here. There are things that are normal here that you cant get anywhere else. But in saying that, I miss my home dearly. I feel a strong pull to it and that I should be there as soon as possible. I am just worried that if and when I stop my adventure, I may not get it back ever again. On the same line, my mum has had enough of it up here, there is a chance that she will just up and leave over the break as well and I wont have anywhere to come back to. So it is a little up in the air at the moment.
But I will still do my best to have as many and as most awesome experiences as possible! Until at such time I board the plane to leave.
As they say, Theres nothing sweeter than Maningrida.
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
Totem.
A while ago when I first met my Indigenous friend Shirley she told me about Totems. I just forgot to write about it.
Basically what she told me is that every person that is born will have at Totem. For example her Totem was the Kangaroo, and a certain type of tree. The tree because it is common in her people's country. There are so many different tribes and differnt countries that they come from. There are so many differnt languages as well. In my community alone ( approx 3500 people) there are 14 different languages.
However, back to the Totem. The concept of a Totem is that it was present either when you were born or your mother was pregnant with you. She told me of one of her children who has a birth mark on their knee. She told me the story that when she was pregnant her husband threw a rock at a Goanna and hurt its knee. She asked if I had any birthmarks. Now I have a couple of light brown patches, but my real visible one is the one on my eye. It is a red spot on my bottom eyelid. Sometimes its barely visible but sometimes its sticks out like crazy. Her explanation for this is that maybe when my mum was pregnant she caught a fish and hooked it through the eye. She couldnt believe however that I didnt have a Totem. Some people will not eat their Totem, because they believe that they are eating their own. It amazing the culture that they have. I nearly wrote just then "and respect they have for the land" but I deleted it. It is the saddest thing because you can see their culture just slipping away through their fingers. They leave garbage everywhere. They do drugs and drink. All these things that should never have interupted their culture. I watched our local team play AFL the other day. ALL of the men here are incredibly athlete. It is just in their blood.
When they eat ANYTHING they eat it to entirety. Its amazing. I watch my friend eat fried chicken (his absolute favourite that he eats with pancakes) and he eats the whole thing. The only thing left is the bone. No grissle, no skin, no tendon. And it is the same with anything that they hunt, they will eat the meat, what they dont eat goes to the dog, the bone will be kept and painted and sold to the art centre, and real good ones will use the sinue and make spears with it.
But with this you can see the impact of the white man more than ever. Something they would have been fine without. They do not do anything. They dont work because the government pays them anyway. They dont buy houses because government provides them for no cost. They have become lazy. Just smoke and drink coke. Its quite sad really. Its even sadder, when watching the boys play AFL the other day, I realised quite a few of them would be good enough to play pro, but the honest truth is that there is no way they would be able to live in the real world. Here they live in a 3 bedroom house with about 15 other family members. They wear the same clothes for days on end. They spit ANYWHERE. They dont have driver's licences or 18+ cards. Most families dont even have cars, or beds.
Apologies for getting off track. Getting back to the Totem conversation, while me and Shirley were talking, we discovered we are from the same family. Her daughters have the same skin name as me. I am not sure but I think that means they are my sisters. I didnt think it was so important, but it determines everything. If I was to, I cannot marry someone with the same skin name. Another friend of mine here, I cant remember what his skin name is but apparently we are eligible to marry. It was a little confronting hearing that. Not that there was anything in it. Interesting.
Today, Shirley's sister was telling me about marriage. There are a few people in the community that have numbers of wives. They all live together in the same house. She told me of a guy she knew had 11 wives! When one would fall pregnant he would move onto the next one. To them its everyday life, to us its completely unheard of.
Their family setup is pretty strange as well. Certain members arent allowed to associate with others. For example fathers arent allowed to associate with daughter-inlaws and mothers arent allowed to associate with son-inlaws. I see it everyday. One of the girls will come get me to serve someone because they arent allowed to. And they stick by it. If they are seen associating I think there can be consequences. To what extent I am not too sure. Its quite difficult to learn new information, sometimes if they dont know you very well they dont feel comfortable talking about their culture and their laws. I feel pretty excited about the stuff I have achieved considering I have only been here a short time.
I would also like to mention, that everything that I write about, and everything I have learnt is only relevant to this part of the country. The tribes anywhere else can be completely different to everything that I have ever written here.
Basically what she told me is that every person that is born will have at Totem. For example her Totem was the Kangaroo, and a certain type of tree. The tree because it is common in her people's country. There are so many different tribes and differnt countries that they come from. There are so many differnt languages as well. In my community alone ( approx 3500 people) there are 14 different languages.
However, back to the Totem. The concept of a Totem is that it was present either when you were born or your mother was pregnant with you. She told me of one of her children who has a birth mark on their knee. She told me the story that when she was pregnant her husband threw a rock at a Goanna and hurt its knee. She asked if I had any birthmarks. Now I have a couple of light brown patches, but my real visible one is the one on my eye. It is a red spot on my bottom eyelid. Sometimes its barely visible but sometimes its sticks out like crazy. Her explanation for this is that maybe when my mum was pregnant she caught a fish and hooked it through the eye. She couldnt believe however that I didnt have a Totem. Some people will not eat their Totem, because they believe that they are eating their own. It amazing the culture that they have. I nearly wrote just then "and respect they have for the land" but I deleted it. It is the saddest thing because you can see their culture just slipping away through their fingers. They leave garbage everywhere. They do drugs and drink. All these things that should never have interupted their culture. I watched our local team play AFL the other day. ALL of the men here are incredibly athlete. It is just in their blood.
When they eat ANYTHING they eat it to entirety. Its amazing. I watch my friend eat fried chicken (his absolute favourite that he eats with pancakes) and he eats the whole thing. The only thing left is the bone. No grissle, no skin, no tendon. And it is the same with anything that they hunt, they will eat the meat, what they dont eat goes to the dog, the bone will be kept and painted and sold to the art centre, and real good ones will use the sinue and make spears with it.
But with this you can see the impact of the white man more than ever. Something they would have been fine without. They do not do anything. They dont work because the government pays them anyway. They dont buy houses because government provides them for no cost. They have become lazy. Just smoke and drink coke. Its quite sad really. Its even sadder, when watching the boys play AFL the other day, I realised quite a few of them would be good enough to play pro, but the honest truth is that there is no way they would be able to live in the real world. Here they live in a 3 bedroom house with about 15 other family members. They wear the same clothes for days on end. They spit ANYWHERE. They dont have driver's licences or 18+ cards. Most families dont even have cars, or beds.
Apologies for getting off track. Getting back to the Totem conversation, while me and Shirley were talking, we discovered we are from the same family. Her daughters have the same skin name as me. I am not sure but I think that means they are my sisters. I didnt think it was so important, but it determines everything. If I was to, I cannot marry someone with the same skin name. Another friend of mine here, I cant remember what his skin name is but apparently we are eligible to marry. It was a little confronting hearing that. Not that there was anything in it. Interesting.
Today, Shirley's sister was telling me about marriage. There are a few people in the community that have numbers of wives. They all live together in the same house. She told me of a guy she knew had 11 wives! When one would fall pregnant he would move onto the next one. To them its everyday life, to us its completely unheard of.
Their family setup is pretty strange as well. Certain members arent allowed to associate with others. For example fathers arent allowed to associate with daughter-inlaws and mothers arent allowed to associate with son-inlaws. I see it everyday. One of the girls will come get me to serve someone because they arent allowed to. And they stick by it. If they are seen associating I think there can be consequences. To what extent I am not too sure. Its quite difficult to learn new information, sometimes if they dont know you very well they dont feel comfortable talking about their culture and their laws. I feel pretty excited about the stuff I have achieved considering I have only been here a short time.
I would also like to mention, that everything that I write about, and everything I have learnt is only relevant to this part of the country. The tribes anywhere else can be completely different to everything that I have ever written here.
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