Good writing only comes from strong emotion. Lust, Depression, Happiness, Loneliness. Sometimes it might be disturbing, but its true. It is how the best art is born. Somehow puting my feelings into text is calming and helps me see things from a different perspective. I think this is why I write most often when I am depressed and lonely. Which is unfortunate. But thats how it is.
I dont know if I am losing my mind or if its just a momentary thing but this place is depressing me. I just want to cry. I dont even want to go home. I just want to be alone, somewhere, but in the real world. I admit I have been feeling crappy for most of the afternoon. But a certain event has tipped me over the edge. The last few weeks I have been extremely happy. I was so excited at the prospect of heading home and being with the person I love the most. But it doesnt seem that it will end up that way. In fact I will be suprised if it does. I cant blame it all on one event. Theres a huge chance that it has something to do with my "cabin fever", loneliness, isolation. Maybe I was just ultra sensitive today. I just feel like things arent going to turn out how I want them to be. And I feel like my feelings wont be reciprocated how I've been assured they will. I was just that one event that made me lose all faith. It made me feel that I would just be dumped in a heartbeat for something better, just like the old days. There is no way that I have spent this time up here just to go back to the way things were. To not really make any life progression at all. My head is starting to tell me this might be the wrong choice to make and more and more I feel the pull to move away and start over. Get my things together and finally do something for myself. Im not doing anything for anyone anymore. Im feeling that I will do and be whatever I want from now on, and whoever wants to jump on the bandwagon can do so.
People arent going to control my feelings anymore. The ultimate freedom is what we all need to find. And Im going to start by finishing my dreads. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I dont care care how short I have to cut my hair to get rid of them. Its my choice and I dont care if you dont like it :)
And Im thinking a roadtrip might just be what I need....
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