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Things seem to have come to a halt. I have totally no inspiration for this place anymore. My mood is constantly flat. My face sunken and sad. I dont want to be around anyone. The only reason I want to go to work is because the sooner I get there the sooner it is all over.
I do not feel like myself anymore. I dont listen to music, I dont make conversation,  I dont try to build friendships. I have never felt further from being my real self.
Thinking of home is consuming every second of my days. I feel as soon as I get there I feel I will just come rushing back into myself. At least I hope so. What worries me is that I will never be the same again. That my personality has disappeared, lost in the nothingness of the outback.
Usually the Indigenous pick my spirits up. But lately they are just driving me mental. Their complete lack of culture is starting to do my head in. They are just so lazy. You can see their culture fading away right before your eyes. Its quite sad. This is meant to be the oldest living culture on the planet. And  yet they have become so useless that they cant even pass their culture onto their children. So dependant on what the white man says. Yet so defiant to not credit the white man for anything. And too damn lazy to help themselves. This culture can still be saved. But it wont be. I will come back here in 50 years and the place will still be the same. Completely stuck in a time warp of their own stupidity.
I am not sure if it is the weather but people seem to be becoming ruder. A number of times this week, member of my staff were accused of racism. To me it seems like the typical accusation. Because no one will step up and fight it. As soon as the "R" word is mentioned, everyone steps down. And they know it.

I hate the fact this place has made me so sour. So cranky and depressed. It is obviously time for me to leave. The fact that its made me feel this way makes me hate it even more. Turning out to be a very vicious circle.

I became aware of the dark underbelly of this place today. Everyone knows what goes on here, but not everyone gets to see it. Things I was told, in regards to abuse - sexual, verbal, physical and mental have haunted me for the rest of my day. Things I have heard are things that people would be jailed for in the real world. And yet as per usual people here get away with it. People turn a blind eye. I do it too. What is anyone going to do? I saw a dog the other day dragging both of its back legs behind it because they were crushed. And what did I do? Nothing. Because what can you do? Nothing will be done. Some one got attacked by a dog the other day. What got done? Nothing. A girl is pregnant at 11. Who says anything? No one. Because no one will do anything. The stuff these children are brought up seeing is nothing that you could ever in your wildest dreams imagine. Things you never thought people would do to each other. And we all know it goes on. But you just put your head down and get on with your business. It can be quite a moral battle here.
If you saw a goose tied up to a tree, by a piece of rope around its neck, what would you do? Generally either call the RSPCA or go cut it free. Well here there is no RSPCA. And if you cut it free you would most likely be speared and ran out of town. Because that shit is their dinner and its going to die anyway.
I suppose in my moment of utter depression I have been able to depict an accurate picture of this place. Even though it is just a glimpse. I find it hard to try and describe what it is like here. Because its hard to paint a picture using words. Maybe seeing this will have hardened me for life, mad me stronger. Who knows. But I can see why people dont last long here, considering it is basically against any white person's mainstream morals.
However that is how it goes. Round and Round the vicious circle. And what am I going to do about it? Nothing.