I sit here. Its 1:30am. I am in the middle of the Outback. In the Northern Territory. Not many people get to see what it is like here. I am lucky. And grateful for this experience.
Earlier today I made the decision to go home a week early. Reason being for a job interview. Sounds all good, pure and lucky. But it is scaring me out of my brain.
I leave in 6 days.
I leave this world behind, possibly to never see it again. The people I have met will soon be a distant memory and no longer the people I talk to everyday. Everything I have here will be gone. In saying that I am very happy to go home. But nervous.
When I arrive home, the first thing I have to do when I get off the plane is go to my interview. Picture this. I havent worn enclosed shoes for the last 4 months, havent brushed my hair - I have a dreadlock in the middle of it, and I dont even have any business looking clothes here. So god knows what I am going to do. And on top of that I'm worried how my personal things are going to go. What if I just want to be a vagabond and just travel around for ever because this is what the lifestyle up here has instilled in me. What if I cant handle the real world anymore??
It is haunting me.
Adding to the speak of haunting, I was drinking with a friend of mine tonight, and we got into the discussion of the Underbelly of this community. The stories she told me will haunt me for many years to come.
I warn you this next part will be explicit, but I do however feel that I need to mention it so that I can give an accurate description of the horror I have encountered tonight, and the the picture it paints for the rest of the community.
My friend informs me that certain children in their classes are classed as "high risk" meaning they are basically in danger of sexual interference in their living situation, or suicide. She continues to inform me that she had been having problems with a boy, acting out against other class mates and basically causing a stir for a while, she reports it to the school counsellor. Who decides not to present any information, the teacher continues battling with this child, basically fighting against him to teach him. It turns out now, over a year later, that this child - 6 years old, had been raped for 3 days by a group of 6 boys who had held him hostage within a house in this community. The parents never looked for this child. They never cared that he wasnt there. It took for a teacher to cause a stir that the boy was missing.
The thing that upsets me the most, is that he may have been able to have an enjoyable experience at school if the teacher had known what was going on/had gone on. He has suffered being bullied as a "poofter" by the other students. There are no psychologist here. No one to help with the mental issues this child might be suffering. If there was, maybe one more suicide could be prevented, maybe by that information passed along, another one could be too.
There were many other stories I heard tonight. All of them a firm picture stuck in my head. Whenever I think of this place I will always remember these things. Sad, horrible and cruel things. Things that people and the rest of the world turn a blind eye too. Things that the government here should be trying to fix. I could go on about this for hours, maybe another time when I am in a more stable frame of mind, and not to prejudice. But seeing things like this in the real world would be a true horror. Here. You kind of learn to deal with it. Its not good enough.
So I am still worried about returning to the real world. People care about such petty things back there. And are ruled by schedules and boundaries, something that we dont really have here.
Next week should be a very interesting and emotional one.
Will keep you posted.
Friday 25 November 2011
Monday 21 November 2011
The Wet.
It has finally broken. I hope.
It seems the wet has begun. I sit outside. I hear thunder rumbling in the distance and a complete stillness all around. The sky is grey. And everything is quiet. The rain came, although it didnt last too long. And the place seems so clean after the rain. Everything fresh and green.
I have heard stories that so epic thunderstorms happen here. Wicked bolts of lightening and never heard before cracks of thunder. The rain can get that hard, that you cant see your neighbours house. I havent seen this yet. All of the storms have passed us by. And the rain has been minimal.
I hope this picks up before I leave. It has 19 days to fully begin. I want to see it.
Seeing the dark clouds in the sky and feeling the stillness all around gives such a feeling of anticipation. Waiting for something big to happen.
And waiting.
It seems the wet has begun. I sit outside. I hear thunder rumbling in the distance and a complete stillness all around. The sky is grey. And everything is quiet. The rain came, although it didnt last too long. And the place seems so clean after the rain. Everything fresh and green.
I have heard stories that so epic thunderstorms happen here. Wicked bolts of lightening and never heard before cracks of thunder. The rain can get that hard, that you cant see your neighbours house. I havent seen this yet. All of the storms have passed us by. And the rain has been minimal.
I hope this picks up before I leave. It has 19 days to fully begin. I want to see it.
Seeing the dark clouds in the sky and feeling the stillness all around gives such a feeling of anticipation. Waiting for something big to happen.
And waiting.
Friday 18 November 2011
Blank
Things seem to have come to a halt. I have totally no inspiration for this place anymore. My mood is constantly flat. My face sunken and sad. I dont want to be around anyone. The only reason I want to go to work is because the sooner I get there the sooner it is all over.
I do not feel like myself anymore. I dont listen to music, I dont make conversation, I dont try to build friendships. I have never felt further from being my real self.
Thinking of home is consuming every second of my days. I feel as soon as I get there I feel I will just come rushing back into myself. At least I hope so. What worries me is that I will never be the same again. That my personality has disappeared, lost in the nothingness of the outback.
Usually the Indigenous pick my spirits up. But lately they are just driving me mental. Their complete lack of culture is starting to do my head in. They are just so lazy. You can see their culture fading away right before your eyes. Its quite sad. This is meant to be the oldest living culture on the planet. And yet they have become so useless that they cant even pass their culture onto their children. So dependant on what the white man says. Yet so defiant to not credit the white man for anything. And too damn lazy to help themselves. This culture can still be saved. But it wont be. I will come back here in 50 years and the place will still be the same. Completely stuck in a time warp of their own stupidity.
I am not sure if it is the weather but people seem to be becoming ruder. A number of times this week, member of my staff were accused of racism. To me it seems like the typical accusation. Because no one will step up and fight it. As soon as the "R" word is mentioned, everyone steps down. And they know it.
I hate the fact this place has made me so sour. So cranky and depressed. It is obviously time for me to leave. The fact that its made me feel this way makes me hate it even more. Turning out to be a very vicious circle.
I became aware of the dark underbelly of this place today. Everyone knows what goes on here, but not everyone gets to see it. Things I was told, in regards to abuse - sexual, verbal, physical and mental have haunted me for the rest of my day. Things I have heard are things that people would be jailed for in the real world. And yet as per usual people here get away with it. People turn a blind eye. I do it too. What is anyone going to do? I saw a dog the other day dragging both of its back legs behind it because they were crushed. And what did I do? Nothing. Because what can you do? Nothing will be done. Some one got attacked by a dog the other day. What got done? Nothing. A girl is pregnant at 11. Who says anything? No one. Because no one will do anything. The stuff these children are brought up seeing is nothing that you could ever in your wildest dreams imagine. Things you never thought people would do to each other. And we all know it goes on. But you just put your head down and get on with your business. It can be quite a moral battle here.
If you saw a goose tied up to a tree, by a piece of rope around its neck, what would you do? Generally either call the RSPCA or go cut it free. Well here there is no RSPCA. And if you cut it free you would most likely be speared and ran out of town. Because that shit is their dinner and its going to die anyway.
I suppose in my moment of utter depression I have been able to depict an accurate picture of this place. Even though it is just a glimpse. I find it hard to try and describe what it is like here. Because its hard to paint a picture using words. Maybe seeing this will have hardened me for life, mad me stronger. Who knows. But I can see why people dont last long here, considering it is basically against any white person's mainstream morals.
However that is how it goes. Round and Round the vicious circle. And what am I going to do about it? Nothing.
I do not feel like myself anymore. I dont listen to music, I dont make conversation, I dont try to build friendships. I have never felt further from being my real self.
Thinking of home is consuming every second of my days. I feel as soon as I get there I feel I will just come rushing back into myself. At least I hope so. What worries me is that I will never be the same again. That my personality has disappeared, lost in the nothingness of the outback.
Usually the Indigenous pick my spirits up. But lately they are just driving me mental. Their complete lack of culture is starting to do my head in. They are just so lazy. You can see their culture fading away right before your eyes. Its quite sad. This is meant to be the oldest living culture on the planet. And yet they have become so useless that they cant even pass their culture onto their children. So dependant on what the white man says. Yet so defiant to not credit the white man for anything. And too damn lazy to help themselves. This culture can still be saved. But it wont be. I will come back here in 50 years and the place will still be the same. Completely stuck in a time warp of their own stupidity.
I am not sure if it is the weather but people seem to be becoming ruder. A number of times this week, member of my staff were accused of racism. To me it seems like the typical accusation. Because no one will step up and fight it. As soon as the "R" word is mentioned, everyone steps down. And they know it.
I hate the fact this place has made me so sour. So cranky and depressed. It is obviously time for me to leave. The fact that its made me feel this way makes me hate it even more. Turning out to be a very vicious circle.
I became aware of the dark underbelly of this place today. Everyone knows what goes on here, but not everyone gets to see it. Things I was told, in regards to abuse - sexual, verbal, physical and mental have haunted me for the rest of my day. Things I have heard are things that people would be jailed for in the real world. And yet as per usual people here get away with it. People turn a blind eye. I do it too. What is anyone going to do? I saw a dog the other day dragging both of its back legs behind it because they were crushed. And what did I do? Nothing. Because what can you do? Nothing will be done. Some one got attacked by a dog the other day. What got done? Nothing. A girl is pregnant at 11. Who says anything? No one. Because no one will do anything. The stuff these children are brought up seeing is nothing that you could ever in your wildest dreams imagine. Things you never thought people would do to each other. And we all know it goes on. But you just put your head down and get on with your business. It can be quite a moral battle here.
If you saw a goose tied up to a tree, by a piece of rope around its neck, what would you do? Generally either call the RSPCA or go cut it free. Well here there is no RSPCA. And if you cut it free you would most likely be speared and ran out of town. Because that shit is their dinner and its going to die anyway.
I suppose in my moment of utter depression I have been able to depict an accurate picture of this place. Even though it is just a glimpse. I find it hard to try and describe what it is like here. Because its hard to paint a picture using words. Maybe seeing this will have hardened me for life, mad me stronger. Who knows. But I can see why people dont last long here, considering it is basically against any white person's mainstream morals.
However that is how it goes. Round and Round the vicious circle. And what am I going to do about it? Nothing.
My Letter
Dear Future Danielle.
I am writing this so in future you can read this and remember all the things you learnt in this period of your life.
I want you to remember to make the most of everyday. Do not make excuses. Do whatever you can to make you feel like you really enjoyed your day.
Do not let people get inside your head. Your instict is always right, and you always regret not following it - so get your shit together.
People who say evil things or do things to make others happy, are actually unhappy with themselves. Try not to hate them (that just gives you wrinkles) just feel sorry for them. Thats their problem not yours.
Remember to always love. Take the opportunity. Even if its just a fling, or a whim. Enjoy things and fall in love. You could be dead tomorrow after all.
As much as it goes against every moral of yours, try not to stick up for people so much; especially the ones you barely know. This just gets you into trouble. Try and think a bit more of yourself and your own happiness, other people's happiness is their own decission. There are people out there who have absolutely nothing, and are some of the joyous people in the world.
It cant never be as bad as it seems. There is always a time when you will be past this. When this exact moment will seem so far in the past that you will wonder why you were so worried about it all in the first place.
You will always know who your friends are, and the people that love you will always be there for you. Just remember to be there for them too.
But most of all, be yourself, no matter what anyone else says. Even if it is your loved one (unless you are doing something completely stupid and drastically wrong). But doing what you do, makes you who you are. Dont change for anybody. Think back to this moment and remember how peaceful you felt. And the things that this place made you feel.
Hoping this helps you find the inspiration that you need.
Love, Past Danielle - currently moving on from things.
I am writing this so in future you can read this and remember all the things you learnt in this period of your life.
I want you to remember to make the most of everyday. Do not make excuses. Do whatever you can to make you feel like you really enjoyed your day.
Do not let people get inside your head. Your instict is always right, and you always regret not following it - so get your shit together.
People who say evil things or do things to make others happy, are actually unhappy with themselves. Try not to hate them (that just gives you wrinkles) just feel sorry for them. Thats their problem not yours.
Remember to always love. Take the opportunity. Even if its just a fling, or a whim. Enjoy things and fall in love. You could be dead tomorrow after all.
As much as it goes against every moral of yours, try not to stick up for people so much; especially the ones you barely know. This just gets you into trouble. Try and think a bit more of yourself and your own happiness, other people's happiness is their own decission. There are people out there who have absolutely nothing, and are some of the joyous people in the world.
It cant never be as bad as it seems. There is always a time when you will be past this. When this exact moment will seem so far in the past that you will wonder why you were so worried about it all in the first place.
You will always know who your friends are, and the people that love you will always be there for you. Just remember to be there for them too.
But most of all, be yourself, no matter what anyone else says. Even if it is your loved one (unless you are doing something completely stupid and drastically wrong). But doing what you do, makes you who you are. Dont change for anybody. Think back to this moment and remember how peaceful you felt. And the things that this place made you feel.
Hoping this helps you find the inspiration that you need.
Love, Past Danielle - currently moving on from things.
Saturday 12 November 2011
Week 13
It has been quite an interesting week this one. My manager has taken to teaching me her job. I cant help but get the feel that it is a ploy to try and make me stay. I have told her that I am most likely not returning after Christmas, but she has still insisted. So it has been good actually challenging my brain for a bit.
I have lost another friend this week. Im not sure if this place just turns people against each other or what, but I am over the pettiness.
I am feeling quite good again. My fears of returning home have been subdued and Im back to being totally excited. My hair was to be dreaded today but I decided to nap instead. Maybe tomorrow.
I, for some unknown reason, passed up the chance to hunt tonight. Im kicking myself now though. But ah well it obvioulsy wasnt meant to happen.
I have nearly been attacked by dogs twice in the last three days. I cant understand it considering I have walked past these dogs at least four times a day for the last 3 months, and now they decide to go at me! I actually got saved by a local fellow the other night. He came back and scared the dog away from me. It was a suprise, because they arent the most giving of people, especially to white folk. All I remember is saying thankyou and running off down the road without a look back.
There has been a little bit of commotion in the community this week. I will not be suprised if it all comes to a head soon and theres a big fight. Firstly my store is closed on Monday (for an uncertain amount of time) due to a community meeting - for locals only.
The reason being that two of the family members of the land owner have been at war basically for the last 2 months. So they are hoping to sort it out. I think it will be quite interesting how this ends.
Secondly a friend of mine was in the store the other day (a local lady) and I wa chatting with her mother, who was ill and jokingly saying that she was dying. I decided to joke with her saying she was too young to die etc; it was laughs all around, they left my store with a smile on their face. Her brother died that night. I could not believe it. I felt like a total bitch. But this also means a big funeral for the community - which hopefully means a smoking of our store (hopefully I will finally get to see one!!).
Then also, our wet is trying to start. We had rain 2 nights last week, but its just not getting the ball rolling. And I think this is puting everyone a little bit one edge. Its like everyone is all on edge, we all know its coming, we just dont know when. But I hope it hurries up. I think it will relieve a bit of community tension.
It is a grog handout night tonight. I have opted to stay home and watch movies alone. Im a bit over wasting my only day off with an extreme hangover - I drank last night ha ha. Plus I also want to go fishing tomorrow and work on my tan a little bit before I get back home.
I am in quite a weird place right now. I am super excited to go back to the real world, but I just cant see me being happy working back there. I have actually searched for jobs in communities in Queensland. It hasnt proven very successful so far. Communities are hard to get into unless you either know someone there or just show up and hope to find work. There is usually work, but it just isnt advertised in any way. I have applied for a job on Badu Island which is an Island right at the very top of Queensland in the Torres Straight. It looks amazing. A tropical island, but with the same facilities as here. It also looks quite the same size. So I would love to check it out. And I totally dont have any problem going alone. Now that I have checked it out, out here I know what to expect of community life now. So we will see how that goes. I most definately think that there is no way I am going to be able to stay put in the real world. I will not like the restrictions that is has.
I read a facebook status of a friend today, about him wearing no shoes into McDonalds and how he felt like a bum. I just chuckled to myself self and thought, geez its lucky if I wear shoes to work. Let alone McDonalds.
I have also learnt this week that the soil here carries a disease called "Melioidosis". Apparently its an epidemic in this part of the country. But basically when the wet comes because the downfalls are so intense, the disease is stirred up and can be caught from mud, dirt and water. Similar symptoms to tuberculosis and apparently it can make your limbs fall off. I have been here nearly 3 months and this is the first I have heard of this. I really feel that it would be imperitive for a handbook to be written and given to anyone who flies into the community. People who get jobs here and get flown in have no idea what they are coming into. They dont know about the dogs, the sacred sights, the requirements on clothing etc. Im just lucky that I had my mum here who knew alot before I came. Its very interesting, and probably not suprising that most people dont stay long here - some people came in 2 weeks ago to run the fast food shop and lasted 4 days and then left. So maybe if people had more awareness of the place, they either wouldnt come, or would be more sure of what they are getting themselves into before they got here. But it will take a long time before anything will even make a slight change around here. I see so much around me that is just corrupt, or wrong, and you can see how to make it better, but its just now possible, either because people wont aid and support the change, or the ones that are already ruining the system cant be removed. It makes me mad. I definatly know that there are no quick fixes. But there are for sure a few things here that could be made a whole lot better straight away.
But like everything else, this place will progress. It may just take a bit longer than the rest of the world.
I have lost another friend this week. Im not sure if this place just turns people against each other or what, but I am over the pettiness.
I am feeling quite good again. My fears of returning home have been subdued and Im back to being totally excited. My hair was to be dreaded today but I decided to nap instead. Maybe tomorrow.
I, for some unknown reason, passed up the chance to hunt tonight. Im kicking myself now though. But ah well it obvioulsy wasnt meant to happen.
I have nearly been attacked by dogs twice in the last three days. I cant understand it considering I have walked past these dogs at least four times a day for the last 3 months, and now they decide to go at me! I actually got saved by a local fellow the other night. He came back and scared the dog away from me. It was a suprise, because they arent the most giving of people, especially to white folk. All I remember is saying thankyou and running off down the road without a look back.
There has been a little bit of commotion in the community this week. I will not be suprised if it all comes to a head soon and theres a big fight. Firstly my store is closed on Monday (for an uncertain amount of time) due to a community meeting - for locals only.
The reason being that two of the family members of the land owner have been at war basically for the last 2 months. So they are hoping to sort it out. I think it will be quite interesting how this ends.
Secondly a friend of mine was in the store the other day (a local lady) and I wa chatting with her mother, who was ill and jokingly saying that she was dying. I decided to joke with her saying she was too young to die etc; it was laughs all around, they left my store with a smile on their face. Her brother died that night. I could not believe it. I felt like a total bitch. But this also means a big funeral for the community - which hopefully means a smoking of our store (hopefully I will finally get to see one!!).
Then also, our wet is trying to start. We had rain 2 nights last week, but its just not getting the ball rolling. And I think this is puting everyone a little bit one edge. Its like everyone is all on edge, we all know its coming, we just dont know when. But I hope it hurries up. I think it will relieve a bit of community tension.
It is a grog handout night tonight. I have opted to stay home and watch movies alone. Im a bit over wasting my only day off with an extreme hangover - I drank last night ha ha. Plus I also want to go fishing tomorrow and work on my tan a little bit before I get back home.
I am in quite a weird place right now. I am super excited to go back to the real world, but I just cant see me being happy working back there. I have actually searched for jobs in communities in Queensland. It hasnt proven very successful so far. Communities are hard to get into unless you either know someone there or just show up and hope to find work. There is usually work, but it just isnt advertised in any way. I have applied for a job on Badu Island which is an Island right at the very top of Queensland in the Torres Straight. It looks amazing. A tropical island, but with the same facilities as here. It also looks quite the same size. So I would love to check it out. And I totally dont have any problem going alone. Now that I have checked it out, out here I know what to expect of community life now. So we will see how that goes. I most definately think that there is no way I am going to be able to stay put in the real world. I will not like the restrictions that is has.
I read a facebook status of a friend today, about him wearing no shoes into McDonalds and how he felt like a bum. I just chuckled to myself self and thought, geez its lucky if I wear shoes to work. Let alone McDonalds.
I have also learnt this week that the soil here carries a disease called "Melioidosis". Apparently its an epidemic in this part of the country. But basically when the wet comes because the downfalls are so intense, the disease is stirred up and can be caught from mud, dirt and water. Similar symptoms to tuberculosis and apparently it can make your limbs fall off. I have been here nearly 3 months and this is the first I have heard of this. I really feel that it would be imperitive for a handbook to be written and given to anyone who flies into the community. People who get jobs here and get flown in have no idea what they are coming into. They dont know about the dogs, the sacred sights, the requirements on clothing etc. Im just lucky that I had my mum here who knew alot before I came. Its very interesting, and probably not suprising that most people dont stay long here - some people came in 2 weeks ago to run the fast food shop and lasted 4 days and then left. So maybe if people had more awareness of the place, they either wouldnt come, or would be more sure of what they are getting themselves into before they got here. But it will take a long time before anything will even make a slight change around here. I see so much around me that is just corrupt, or wrong, and you can see how to make it better, but its just now possible, either because people wont aid and support the change, or the ones that are already ruining the system cant be removed. It makes me mad. I definatly know that there are no quick fixes. But there are for sure a few things here that could be made a whole lot better straight away.
But like everything else, this place will progress. It may just take a bit longer than the rest of the world.
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011.
Good writing only comes from strong emotion. Lust, Depression, Happiness, Loneliness. Sometimes it might be disturbing, but its true. It is how the best art is born. Somehow puting my feelings into text is calming and helps me see things from a different perspective. I think this is why I write most often when I am depressed and lonely. Which is unfortunate. But thats how it is.
I dont know if I am losing my mind or if its just a momentary thing but this place is depressing me. I just want to cry. I dont even want to go home. I just want to be alone, somewhere, but in the real world. I admit I have been feeling crappy for most of the afternoon. But a certain event has tipped me over the edge. The last few weeks I have been extremely happy. I was so excited at the prospect of heading home and being with the person I love the most. But it doesnt seem that it will end up that way. In fact I will be suprised if it does. I cant blame it all on one event. Theres a huge chance that it has something to do with my "cabin fever", loneliness, isolation. Maybe I was just ultra sensitive today. I just feel like things arent going to turn out how I want them to be. And I feel like my feelings wont be reciprocated how I've been assured they will. I was just that one event that made me lose all faith. It made me feel that I would just be dumped in a heartbeat for something better, just like the old days. There is no way that I have spent this time up here just to go back to the way things were. To not really make any life progression at all. My head is starting to tell me this might be the wrong choice to make and more and more I feel the pull to move away and start over. Get my things together and finally do something for myself. Im not doing anything for anyone anymore. Im feeling that I will do and be whatever I want from now on, and whoever wants to jump on the bandwagon can do so.
People arent going to control my feelings anymore. The ultimate freedom is what we all need to find. And Im going to start by finishing my dreads. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I dont care care how short I have to cut my hair to get rid of them. Its my choice and I dont care if you dont like it :)
And Im thinking a roadtrip might just be what I need....
I dont know if I am losing my mind or if its just a momentary thing but this place is depressing me. I just want to cry. I dont even want to go home. I just want to be alone, somewhere, but in the real world. I admit I have been feeling crappy for most of the afternoon. But a certain event has tipped me over the edge. The last few weeks I have been extremely happy. I was so excited at the prospect of heading home and being with the person I love the most. But it doesnt seem that it will end up that way. In fact I will be suprised if it does. I cant blame it all on one event. Theres a huge chance that it has something to do with my "cabin fever", loneliness, isolation. Maybe I was just ultra sensitive today. I just feel like things arent going to turn out how I want them to be. And I feel like my feelings wont be reciprocated how I've been assured they will. I was just that one event that made me lose all faith. It made me feel that I would just be dumped in a heartbeat for something better, just like the old days. There is no way that I have spent this time up here just to go back to the way things were. To not really make any life progression at all. My head is starting to tell me this might be the wrong choice to make and more and more I feel the pull to move away and start over. Get my things together and finally do something for myself. Im not doing anything for anyone anymore. Im feeling that I will do and be whatever I want from now on, and whoever wants to jump on the bandwagon can do so.
People arent going to control my feelings anymore. The ultimate freedom is what we all need to find. And Im going to start by finishing my dreads. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I dont care care how short I have to cut my hair to get rid of them. Its my choice and I dont care if you dont like it :)
And Im thinking a roadtrip might just be what I need....
Saturday 5 November 2011
When I grow up....
I wrote this post about a month ago and had never finished it. So I am deciding to post it now, Sorry that it is a bit out of order.
During on of my many periods of daydreaming yesterday I realised something that made me quite envious of the locals here. I was dreaming about where I would end up in my life, what I would end up choosing/where I would end up living etc. And this topic always distresses me. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm getting to the stage where I am grown up I still dont know what I want to be.
I then realised that the people here have no pressure on them for these sorts of things. They have no aspirations of any change, or to accomplish anything that is even considered a minor achievement in the white man's world. When it dawned on me it was quite interesting. Now dont get me wrong, there are Indigenous people here who do work, and who enjoy it alot. But in our community I reckon the percentage of workers would be about 10% of the population.
I became quite jealous. It is nothing for my girls to go home at lunchtime and not come back to work simply because they dont feel like it. And it is accepted by my bosses. Thats just how it is. It is expected that the white people work the hours they should. To give you an insight: one of my girls might bugger off to another community for a couple of months maybe even years, when she returns she will walk right back into her job no questions asked. But if I buggered off for a couple of days/weeks without notice I would loose my job. Basically no one ever get fired up here unless they get caught stealing.
I was thinking today, that this place is fairly awesome. My house is about 150m from the beach. When I walk to the end of my street I can see the beach. When I walk out the front door of my work, I can see the ocean. I can walk down to the beach at anytime and see a crocodile sunning itself on the sand. The people here have a great opportunity to an awesome life. They get free housing. And the government pays them to have children/look for work. So they all do nothing most days and get paid for it. They have opportunity to fish, hunt, swim, go bush and see animals that you never get to see anywhere else.
So there are all these opportunites sitting on our door step. Some of the best fishing in Australia is here, along with some of the best beaches. And these people have access to even more places, that I dont, that are alot better than anything I've seen up here.
So these people need to take care of and make the most of what they have got before it is gone. The indigenous blame the white man for alot things. But its not the white people who find it acceptable to litter and It is not the white people who dump their belongings on the beach front. This place is beautiful, but it is sad what is happening to it. And its sadder to think that these people arent making the most of what they've got.
One of my friends said to me oneday "if you were getting $70k a year in royalties, dont you think you would buy an awesome boat and be out fishing every day or hunting, just living the dream? Not just sitting around watering your dirt allday?" And its totally true (yes for some reason they just sit in the same spot for hours and water the same patch of dirt over and over). But alot of them do have an opportunity to a good life. I suppose they just dont want it. I dont really know.
During on of my many periods of daydreaming yesterday I realised something that made me quite envious of the locals here. I was dreaming about where I would end up in my life, what I would end up choosing/where I would end up living etc. And this topic always distresses me. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm getting to the stage where I am grown up I still dont know what I want to be.
I then realised that the people here have no pressure on them for these sorts of things. They have no aspirations of any change, or to accomplish anything that is even considered a minor achievement in the white man's world. When it dawned on me it was quite interesting. Now dont get me wrong, there are Indigenous people here who do work, and who enjoy it alot. But in our community I reckon the percentage of workers would be about 10% of the population.
I became quite jealous. It is nothing for my girls to go home at lunchtime and not come back to work simply because they dont feel like it. And it is accepted by my bosses. Thats just how it is. It is expected that the white people work the hours they should. To give you an insight: one of my girls might bugger off to another community for a couple of months maybe even years, when she returns she will walk right back into her job no questions asked. But if I buggered off for a couple of days/weeks without notice I would loose my job. Basically no one ever get fired up here unless they get caught stealing.
I was thinking today, that this place is fairly awesome. My house is about 150m from the beach. When I walk to the end of my street I can see the beach. When I walk out the front door of my work, I can see the ocean. I can walk down to the beach at anytime and see a crocodile sunning itself on the sand. The people here have a great opportunity to an awesome life. They get free housing. And the government pays them to have children/look for work. So they all do nothing most days and get paid for it. They have opportunity to fish, hunt, swim, go bush and see animals that you never get to see anywhere else.
So there are all these opportunites sitting on our door step. Some of the best fishing in Australia is here, along with some of the best beaches. And these people have access to even more places, that I dont, that are alot better than anything I've seen up here.
So these people need to take care of and make the most of what they have got before it is gone. The indigenous blame the white man for alot things. But its not the white people who find it acceptable to litter and It is not the white people who dump their belongings on the beach front. This place is beautiful, but it is sad what is happening to it. And its sadder to think that these people arent making the most of what they've got.
One of my friends said to me oneday "if you were getting $70k a year in royalties, dont you think you would buy an awesome boat and be out fishing every day or hunting, just living the dream? Not just sitting around watering your dirt allday?" And its totally true (yes for some reason they just sit in the same spot for hours and water the same patch of dirt over and over). But alot of them do have an opportunity to a good life. I suppose they just dont want it. I dont really know.
Reflection.
I sit here, all alone on a saturday night; something that is unheard of in the real world, and feel oddly content with myself. All of my friends are in Darwin, partying, and I have chosen to stay home to save money - also another unusual occurance. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I am ready to go home. I think I am afraid that if I have too much of good time I might want to stay. Ha ha.
At this point I am thankful for the experience I have had here. I have learnt alot of things. I feel older, but look younger and more relaxed. Not so stressed anymore. And my skin is smooth and clear. I like it. I also feel a sort of inner happiness, this being what I am thankful for the most. I just hope that I can hold onto this in the real world and not let things get to me like they used to. I definately think I will come back here oneday, or somewhere similar anyway. I like the culture, and the respect that the Indigenous have for their culture. In saying this, from what I have seen in my travels, the Indigenous here are more lazy than else where, and their culture seems to be fading. Its really sad. In all honesty I think alot of it comes down to the government. This particular community is just like it has been dumped out in the middle of no where, where no would discover it or how it is. Very sad.
I watched a documentary today on the Indigenous channel, that we only have in the Northern Territory (no where else in Australia, which I think is so stupid that its not everywhere else in the country), however it was a documentary on a small community called Numbulwar. It looked so nice! Nothing compared to here. There was no rubbish, the dogs were contained and the people were clean and had alot of respect and culture. And this community was even more isolated than here. I will most definatley visit it oneday. I just dont understand how this place went so wrong. And as much as I want to leave, I also want go stay and try and make it a better place. I have family here now, and it is sad to know that you may never see them again, or that they may come up against some sort of abuse or violence.
Over the last couple of weeks, as I have written, I have decided that I am going back to the real in December. This is something that I feel a strong need to do. There is a bond there that I am not ready to give away. Things that I need to see how and where they will go. And from what I have learnt about myself up here, I know that I need to do this or I will regret it for the rest of my life if I dont. I have always believed that more than anything you need to do what makes you happy, no matter what it is, or when it comes about. Because if you die tomorrow you will regret holding back. So I will do what I need to do to make me happy. I dont care about my career. And I dont care about money. Because that is not what is going to make me happy right now. However, this certain person most definatly is.
In saying all of this, I have also had some clarity about what it is that I want to do in my life. Maybe I should put it all down to the incredible amounts of thinking time that I have had out here. So, back to uni it does look like. And I am thinking of doing sustainability. If there is one thing I have learnt about myself it is that there is no way a will be able to sit in an office all day for the rest of my life. So something out doors it is, quite possibly with a bit of cultural studies thrown in there as well.
At this very moment however, I do feel like my life is standing still. I am basically in waiting. Just waiting for the next month to go by so I can go home. And I know this absolutely contradicts everything I just said about doing what makes you happy, but I must see my time through here. It is just what I feel like I need to do, for some unknown reason. I have certainly thought about leaving earlier, but I just cant right now.
So these experiences I will carry with me wherever I go, through the rest of my life. I have changed for the better - as I see it anyway. Maybe a bit of the Outback is what everyone needs.
At this point I am thankful for the experience I have had here. I have learnt alot of things. I feel older, but look younger and more relaxed. Not so stressed anymore. And my skin is smooth and clear. I like it. I also feel a sort of inner happiness, this being what I am thankful for the most. I just hope that I can hold onto this in the real world and not let things get to me like they used to. I definately think I will come back here oneday, or somewhere similar anyway. I like the culture, and the respect that the Indigenous have for their culture. In saying this, from what I have seen in my travels, the Indigenous here are more lazy than else where, and their culture seems to be fading. Its really sad. In all honesty I think alot of it comes down to the government. This particular community is just like it has been dumped out in the middle of no where, where no would discover it or how it is. Very sad.
I watched a documentary today on the Indigenous channel, that we only have in the Northern Territory (no where else in Australia, which I think is so stupid that its not everywhere else in the country), however it was a documentary on a small community called Numbulwar. It looked so nice! Nothing compared to here. There was no rubbish, the dogs were contained and the people were clean and had alot of respect and culture. And this community was even more isolated than here. I will most definatley visit it oneday. I just dont understand how this place went so wrong. And as much as I want to leave, I also want go stay and try and make it a better place. I have family here now, and it is sad to know that you may never see them again, or that they may come up against some sort of abuse or violence.
Over the last couple of weeks, as I have written, I have decided that I am going back to the real in December. This is something that I feel a strong need to do. There is a bond there that I am not ready to give away. Things that I need to see how and where they will go. And from what I have learnt about myself up here, I know that I need to do this or I will regret it for the rest of my life if I dont. I have always believed that more than anything you need to do what makes you happy, no matter what it is, or when it comes about. Because if you die tomorrow you will regret holding back. So I will do what I need to do to make me happy. I dont care about my career. And I dont care about money. Because that is not what is going to make me happy right now. However, this certain person most definatly is.
In saying all of this, I have also had some clarity about what it is that I want to do in my life. Maybe I should put it all down to the incredible amounts of thinking time that I have had out here. So, back to uni it does look like. And I am thinking of doing sustainability. If there is one thing I have learnt about myself it is that there is no way a will be able to sit in an office all day for the rest of my life. So something out doors it is, quite possibly with a bit of cultural studies thrown in there as well.
At this very moment however, I do feel like my life is standing still. I am basically in waiting. Just waiting for the next month to go by so I can go home. And I know this absolutely contradicts everything I just said about doing what makes you happy, but I must see my time through here. It is just what I feel like I need to do, for some unknown reason. I have certainly thought about leaving earlier, but I just cant right now.
So these experiences I will carry with me wherever I go, through the rest of my life. I have changed for the better - as I see it anyway. Maybe a bit of the Outback is what everyone needs.
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